The Wits & Woes of Miss Sakura Haruno
by Orange Sherbet
Summary: Itachi had a kunai at my throat, Hidan had my wrists, and Deidara was sitting on my thighs. And let's not forget the fact that they were all still topless. Pakkun, I don't think we're in Konoha anymore.
1. Loverboy

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**OrAnGe**

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_**The Wits and Woes of Mrs. Sakura Haruno**_

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**ShErBeT**

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The bright sunlight sliced through the window shades, and I unintentionally groaned. God, I hated mornings. Whoever created them must've been in a foul mood.

I wanted to stay under the covers and catch a few more minutes of sleep, but Tsunade had insisted that team seven get their asses to her office pronto this morning, as she had a very important mission to discuss with us.

Rubbing my eyes, I climbed out of the my cozy, warm bed and stretched my limbs. Whoa, was it me or was there a draft in this room? I must've left the window open last night, but I don't even remember opening it.

Wait. I thought hard for a second. What _had _I done last night? The last thing I remember is going to check out this new club with Ino, but for everything after that I drew a blank.

And you know what, since when did I have a window in my room anyway? My cheap ass apartment barely had walls (seriously, the place was gonna collapse on me one of these days). My eyes flew open, unlike the window, which was locked shut.

Yeah. There's no draft. I'm just naked.

I'm fucking _naked._

WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?

I heard the sound of bed springs creaking, and looked over my shoulder to find that I was not alone. Apparently, whoever owned this room/apartment/house/SECRET LAIR had issues with sleeping alone, because he was lounging on the side of the bed that didn't have my body indent.

He looked like a nice guy, at least. He had really soft-looking (I DID NOT TOUCH IT) blond hair and the longest eyelashes in the world. Not to mention a great body. He wasn't to bulky like some guys, but he wasn't a stick either. I think _lean _would be a good way to describe him-

Hold up. Hot nice guy was naked too.

Well, _shit_.

I probably lost my virginity to this guy, I thought, then realized that since I was drawing a blank, anything could've happened that night. I could be a wanted criminal by now.

The thought scared me shitless, and I resolved to find a phone to call Ino and demand she pick me up and tell me everything that happened last night. First, though, I should find my clothes...they had to be around here somewhere...

AHA! Found 'em. They were lying on the bed next to the hot nice guy, who I bet looked even hotter when he wasn't drooling all over the bedspread. Using my badass ninja skillz, I tiptoed around the bed and snatched my bra and underwear.

At least I had worn a good pair; my matching pink and red polka-dot bra and brief set. I felt like I was in a Victoria's Secret commercial whenever I put them on.

Next I grabbed my short red silk skirt-the one Neji SWORE I stole from his closet-and zipped my ass into it. I was reaching for my white halter top when a tan hand snuck up on my wrist. Amazingly, I managed to contain my shocked scream.

"Sakura..." My wrist-captor mumbled in his sleep. He turned on his side, and I, not wanting to wake Your Majesty with my efforts to steal back my arm (nobody plays sleep tug of war anymore), slipped onto the bed next to him and tried to nudge his hand gently off of me.

The ninja in me was screaming to be careful, this guy could be a seasoned criminal. I told it to STFU if it didn't wanna get caught. Something wet and slimy touched the wrist he was holding, and I couldn't contain my shocked screech this time.

"WHO IS IT, UN?" Blondie shot into a sitting position, wrist still in hand, and looked around him. His eyes landed on me, and, not suspicious at all, the Konoha headband lying at the foot of his bed.

_Damn, I was wondering where I left that..._

"Who the hell are you, un?" I looked up into a pair of narrowed ocean blue eyes, sensing his alarm. Apparently, blondie doesn't remember much of last night either.

"Well?" He demanded, a little rudely, if you ask me. I stuck my tongue out at him, and the next moment both my wrists were pinned above my head and my back was pressed against the mattress. Blondie hovered above me, looking quiet pleased with himself.

"Is this the part where I'm supposed to be scared?" I asked boredly. I would've inspected my nails, had my hands not been pinned against a pillow at the time. "Cuz, really, the only scary thing about you is your hair. It's a mess."

He looked like I had just diagnosed him with cancer, but it wasn't my fault he couldn't clean himself up before intimidating little pink haired girls.

Okay, I take that back. I was a force to be reckoned with. Too bad Blondie didn't know that.

While he was having what seemed to be a nervous breakdown, I got a good look at all the tattoos on his body. There was this one right above his heart, it almost seemed like stitches...And his eyes, there was just something so familiar about them.

Click. That was the sound of me putting the pieces together. Blue eyes. Girlie Blond hair. Eyelashes Ino would kill for. And the slimy sensation on my wrists...it was from _his hands. He had mouths on his hands!_

Oh shit! I'm being pinned to a bed by Deidara of the Akatsuki! The one who tried to take Naruto, the one who has an obsession with blowing stuff up! And I had just insulted his hair...

I wondered if he would blow me up for that.

At the sight of my scared-out-of-my-wits face Deidara seemed to snap out of his trance. He looked down at me in fascination.

"Something wrong, un?"

I gulped, feeling like a Pikachu cornered by a wild snorlax. I used excuse. "Oh, ugh, yeah. See, I just remembered I was late for...an...appointment! So if you could let me go..."

The bastard had the gull to look amused. "What kind of appointment, un?"

"An STD test." SUCK THAT, you cocky son-of-a-hobo.

Deidara's features assumed the 'scared-shitless' look I had on not but a few milliseconds ago. "Are you serious, un?"

"Maybe, un."

"Are you mocking me, un?"

"I'm not mocking you, un."

"YES YOU ARE, UN!"

"NO I'M NOT, UN!"

"I'LL SHOVE A FUCKING BOMB DOWN YOUR THROAT, BITCH!"

"Geez, Drama Queen."

"..."

"Un."

I'm sure by now my grin was maddening, Sasuke always said that since he returned to Konoha I'd started to appear in his nightmares. Good. Let my grin be a warning to all emo Uchihas: Fear the pink, bitches!

...Back with the plot, Deidara was starting to cool off. I chanced a question.

"Do you remember what happened last night?"

He smirked, and right then I knew I wasn't getting that information without giving him something in return. "I do, un."

"Are you gonna be my baby daddy?"

"Fuck no!"

"So we used protection?"

"WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX, UN!"

"AHA! I USE INTERROGATION ON YOUR ASS!"

"I COUNTER WITH I'M-STILL-NOT-TELLING-YOUR-ASS!"

"...I've been defeated."

"..."

"Un."

"SHUT. UP."

There was a somewhat comfortable silence after that. At least until there was a knock on Deidara's-I'm guessing this is his bedroom-door.

"What?"

"It's Tobi!"

"Go away!"

Ignoring Deidara's orders, Tobi sauntered right on in. It was pretty funny to watch his face when he saw me and his Akatsuki buddy's current position. He blushed bright red and stuttered "T-Tobi is a good boy! TOBI IS GOOD! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" And raced out of the room with his hands over his eye. I say eye because the rest of his face was covered by a bright orange mask.

"His mask is the same color as my teammate's jumpsuit," I observed.

Deidara shot me a look, "Your teammate wears an orange jumpsuit? Some ninja you guys are. How are you supposed to stay incognito with that bubblegum pink hair anyway?"

"Oh, this is nothing," I told him, "My other teammate used to wear a huge purple bow around his ass."

"Wow. I bet you wanted to unwrap that gift."

I laughed out loud, almost covering up the sound of footsteps headed towards the room. Deidara let go of me and got up to look out in the hallway.

A hallway? Wait. Hallways meant there were more rooms, and more rooms meant there were more people to occupy them.

Deidara was in the Akasuki.

I was in the Akatsuki base.

Oh. My. Jashin.

"Deidara!" Someone yelled in a way that insinuated there was a bromance going on. I turned to see who it was but Deidara was blocking my veiw.

"Fuck off, un!"

"You think we're just gonna let you chill here after Tobi came running by mumbling about naked women in your room? Hell to the no."

Naked women? Oh, I guess that's me. Pervert #203 would be upset that I had located my shirt and tossed it on.

"Yeah, about that," Deidara started, and I knew from his tone that is I didn't get my gear on and GTFO then I wasn't going to be allowed to leave.

"What about it?" A new, but agonizingly familiar voice asked. I paused in putting on my shoes to listen.

"She's a Konoha ninja, I saw the Hidden Leaf symbol on her headband."

"Perhaps one of us can recognize her."

There's not way. It couldn't be.

"I doubt it," Deidara hinted.

He's supposed to be _dead_.

"Unless you know any Kunoichi with pink hair, un."

Oh. Shiz.

Deidara moved out of the way, exposing me to the Akatsuki in all my messy pink haired glory.

"Deidara," Sasori said very deliberately, as if measuring his words. "How did this particular kunoichi end up in your bed?"

Poor Deidara, he looked so absolutely clueless. He reminded me of Ino, they even kind of looked alike...

OH MY CHEEZITS, THAT WAS IT!

I must've gotten drunk, which is why I don't remember anything, and thought Deidara was Ino. He could've been drunk too, and one of us probably passed out (heh, me) before we could...you know.

Now that I knew the whole story, it was Akatsuki ass-kicking time.

Snatching the kunai I always keep strapped to my thigh, I did a quick shadow clone jutsu and sent my clones on the boys, then I turned to high-tailed it out of there via the window, which I broke with the kunai.

Unfortunately, someone grabbed me by the neck of my halter, and someone else lifted me up by my feet. Together, they hefted me up and back on to the bed.

"Am I really so fat that it requires two Akatsuki members just to lift me up?"

The blue one I recalled as Kisame shrugged. "Some of us are just lightweights," He shot a pointed look at Deidara.

"HEY!"

"That explains the hair," I mumbled, he turned his glare on me.

I grinned, "Sorry, DeiDei!"

His glare, if possible, intensified.

Kisame chuckled and sat down on the foot of the bed, gesturing for me to come scoot next to him. I raised an eyebrow, "How do I know you won't try anything?"

"You're too fat for me," He shrugged. I tossed a pillow at his smug face.

"Shut up, smurf."

One by one, the rest of the Akatsuki filed into Deidara bedroom, all equally as curious as the rest about the strange little little pink menace who has invaded their home. The ninja in me has now given up hope of surviving, but she was annoying anyway. Now I could think clearly.

"So, um, how exactly did you end up here?" Itachi asked. I knew it was him because of the eyes. And the hair. And the all-around sexiness. Next to him sat Sasori, who was smirking at me in a very concerning way. I chose to ignore him in favor of El Sexichiha.

"It's a looooong story...anyone got, like, a drawing board?"

"Why the fuck would we have a drawing board?" A guy with purple eyes and silver hair asked. I gave him my best 'Go Suck Yourself' face.

"To draw stuff on. Obviously."

"Ahem," A guy with green hair and half of his body tanned while the other half was pale cleared his throat, "I have a drawing board." He said, and pulled it out from seemingly thin air.

"Holy shit, where were you hiding that thing?" I asked. I just got this creepy smirk as an answer. '

"okay..." I walked up to the board and saw that it was all paper, and that you could just flip one page over and get a whole new one. It was big enough for everyone in the room to see and easy for to draw on. There was only one problem.

"You need a fucking pencil." pointed out.

"No fucking duh." I said, then held my hand out like a boss. "Pencil. Now."

Instantly, nine writing utensils were trust at me. A few weren't even aimed at my hand.

"Okay," I drew a stick figure of myself, "So this is me. This is my friend Ino. This is the club we were at, and THIS-" I drew a picture of a copy of Ino, only I put him in an Akatsuki cloak, "-is Deidara."

There were a few giggles, but mostly everyone stayed silent. I flipped the page over, and was in the middle of drawing a pretty picture of me and Ino and Deidara getting flat-out wasted, when someone raised their hand.

"Um...yeah?" I felt like a kindergarden teacher.

"Tobi wants to know why Tobi is not in that picture."

"Because you weren't there...?"

"Can Tobi still be in the picture?"

He looked at me with the puppy dog eyes, and I couldn't resist so I drew another stick figure by one of the strippers and said that could be him. Hidan looked slightly jealous.

"This is us getting drunk." I explained. I flipped the page again and drew a pic of me looking at Deidara and pouncing on him while Ino flirted with Tobi.

"I thought Deidara was Ino," I informed them, and drew a picture of us taking off our clothes and falling asleep on the last page. I felt slightly awkward after that, since my stick figure people were already 'naked'.

"Way to go, Deidara, you _almost _got some last night." Kisame taunted, getting the blond all riled up. I watched as the rest of the Akatsuki was slowly pulled into their spat, and, when they were all focused on out-smarting the other, I out-smarted them all by performing a transport jutsu and disappeared in a puff of sakura blossoms.

_Suckers,_I thought, grinning mischievously as I walked past the Konoha gates. First stop; Ino's house. I've got so much to tell her.

.

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**Back in Konoha**

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.

Ino stretched out her arm and legs, tired from partying all night at Kakashi's Corner, the hottest new club in Konoha. It had been fun, and Sakura seemed to have a blast. She was all over that blond dude.

Huh. Ino wondered what happened to her friend. She knew she should be worried, Sakura didn't handle alcohol well and had a tendency of forgetting the events that happened while she's intoxicated.

But c'mon, it's _Sakura_. How much trouble could she possibly get into?

.

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Tada! Happy winter break :D Wow, there wasn't ANY romance at all in this. Do you think it was even worth my time to write? I hope so, it was fun. Leave a review and let me know what you think, and if I should make a sequel :) Please & Thank you.

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	2. Pretty in Pink

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**P**_r_e**t**_t_y **i**_n_ P**i**_n_k

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"I can't believe we were outsmarted by a little girl, un."

"A little girl with _pink fucking hair!_" Hidan moaned. He had to be the most ashamed of all of them.

"And you call yourselves an evil organization." Pein shook his head at his group 'o bitches. He stood up from his spot on Deidara's bed and dusted himself off. "Go catch that little pink haired menace before she decides to blab about the Akatsuki to everyone she knows." He ordered, exiting the room.

"Of course he pushes all the work onto _us_." Itachi grumbled, forever in a foul mood.

"Tobi thinks this will be fun! Tobi liked the pretty lady with the pink hair!"

"She was pretty hot..." Hidan smirked.

"And she's a medic nin, un." Deidara added, smirking as well.

"We could use her. After all, she _did _create an antidote to my poison in less then three minutes during our fight." Sasori smiled like a pedophile.

"Time to get the Akatsuki a new medic." Kisame declared, grabbing Samehada from it's spot on the bed and heading towards the door.

"Wait!" Itachi called. Everyone looked at him expectantly. "How are we going to get into Konoha without being noticed?" He asked, directing his question at his partner.

"Don't worry," Kisame smirked. "I've got _that _covered."

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"Isn't that amazing, Ino?"

"Sakura, are you still drunk?" The blond nin asked. She pushed a strand of messy pink hair out of her friend's face and handed her a cup of coffee. "I doubt that the Akatsuki really tried to kidnap you."

Sakura gave her friend a frustrated look. "Then where was I last night, huh? HUH?"

Ino rolled her eyes. "Naruto probably dropped you off at your place and you dreamt everything."

"Trust me, Ino, I am _not _creative enough to think of all this."

"I trust you. I just think you need some rest."

"...bitch."

Ino grinned, "Hah. Jealous much?"

"Of what? Your big bubble butt?"

"The butt that Sasuke couldn't take his eyes off last week? I THINK YES."

Sakura scoffed, "As if that little prick bothers me anymore. You _know _that!"

"I know that, and you know that, but Sasuke doesn't know that."

"He will when I bash his face in today at practice."

"Rest first. Face bash later." Ino instructed, guided Sakura to the long couch in her apartment living room. "I've been called to the hospital, so I'll be back later."

"'Kay," Sakura agreed, already drifting to sleep as Ino carelessly tossed a blanket over her.

"Later!" She called, and a second later the door slammed shut. Sakura drifted into unconsciousness.

o

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"Are you sure this is it?" Sasori asked his partner, running a hand through his jet black locks.

"Of course I am." Deidara insisted, "I just saw her blond friend-the one she mistook me for-leave!"

Sasori shrugged, "If you say so."

He rung the doorbell.

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I dreamt of dango. It was a funny dream, really. It started with me in candy land and a magic rabbit came up to me and said I had to save the dango because I was the dango queen. But I told the rabbit I was looking for someone, and I needed his help.

He didn't help me, instead he bitch-slapped me so hard it left a ringing noise in my ears.

_Ding-dong, ding-dong._

It was really getting annoying. Someone should tell that rabbit to STFU.

_Ding-dong, ding-dong._

Oh, wait. I don't think that's the rabbit anymore. Slowly, I cracked an eye open and peered around Ino's apartment. It was exactly as I remebered it; messy with a hint of perfume here and there.

_Ding-dong, ding-dong._

It's the doorbell! But who'd want to visit Ino? Ohhh, maybe she's got a secret lover she isn't telling me about...I bet it's Kiba...or Sai...

OMFG WHAT IF IT'S LEE?

I shot up off that couch and sprinted to the door. Yanking it open, I was surprised to find that it was none other than...

"Naruto? Sasuke? _You guys _are Ino's secret lover?"

"Um...no?" Naruto said. It came out as a question and Sasuke slapped the back of his head.

"OW! DON'T HIT ME!"

"I'll stop hitting you when you stop acting like an idiot."

I tapped my foot, already tired of their antics. "What do you want?"

Both boys' heads snapped towards me, taking in my whole bed-ragged appearance.

"...Nice pajamas." Sasuke said, indicated towards my ramen print boxers and tank.

"Shut up, Sasuke. I look like walking sex and you know it. Now, WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

"We've got a mission!" Naruto jumped in, smartly stopping my almost-outburst.

What? I'm cranky in the morning.

I sighed, "Lemme get my things."

"No!" Sasuke shouted, surprising me. Since when did _he _show _emotion?_

"You can go like that!" Naruto once again cut in.

It all sounded very suspicious to me, but I was too tired to argue. So I nodded and allowed them to lead me towards the Konoha gates in nothing but my ramen jammies.

Once we were out of the village, I turned to Sasuke, as he would have the most knowledge of the mission. I was not, however, met by the face of Uchiha Sasuke.

"We meet again, Sakura-chan." Sasori smirked, taking in my dazed expression.

_**RUN BITCH RUN!**_

_But..._

_**NOW!**_

I did as inner me ordered, pumping chakra into my feet and flying past Sasori. Unfortunately, I was caught by none other than a smug looking Deidara.

_DAMMIT! I TOLD Ino it wasn't a dream!_

That bitch. She was going to _pay _when I got back to Konoha.

"Am I being kidnapped?" I asked as Deidara slung me onto the back of the huge-ass bird thing.

He nodded, still smirking, an Sasori climbed on behind me.

"You might want to hold on to something," He whispered in my ear.

"Like your throat?" I suggested sweetly.

He smirked, thought I hadn't a clue why. What was up with these guys and smirking.

...Of course, I found out a moment later when Deidara went skyward and my stomach went downward.

"My CLOAK!" Sasori screeched.

Apparently, puke did not defy gravity.

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"Well, if it isn't the Weasel Wonder." I said, once we'd landed back at Akatsuki base. Itachi was just, like, chilling on this rock waiting for us to show up.

He blinked. "That was fast."

His statement was directed towards Sasori and Deidara, which pissed me off. How DARE they ignore the captive? I didn't get my ass kidnapped just to become furniture!

"She's stupid," Sasori said bluntly. I aimed a kick at his, ahem, _man jewels. _Unfortunately, he dodged.

"Bitch." I hissed.

"Deidara, take her back to _your _room." Pinocchio glared at me. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Very mature, un." Deidara commented as I stuck my tongue back in my mouth. He grabbed my forearm and dragged me towards the entrance.

"I know I am," I smiled smugly at him, and turned to check out my new digs, came face to face with a very ripped, very _naked _Kisame.

Okay, so he had a towel around his waist. But I was stiff obligated, as the virgin I am, to scream like a banshee.

"KEEP IT FUCKING DOWN IN THERE! I'M TRYING TO PRAY!" Hidan yelled from inside another room.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" I screamed back, "MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULDN'T _WALK AROUND NAKED!"_

Kisame raised a suggestive eyebrow at me. "Why? Doe my naked torso make you feel..._things?" _He whispered the last word, low and rumbling, in my ear.

"It makes me feel like puking again." I stated, and Kisame went scrambling back.

"I'm gonna go explore. See ya, Jaws." I waved to Kisame and turned around, only to be picked up and hauled over a broad shoulder.

"Oof!" Haha. That's what he gets for kidnapping me.

"Quite kicking Akatsuki members in the stomach." Itachi berated me as the Bombshell dropped me on the floor.

"Stop letting your guard down." I warned him, trying to look as scary as a girl with pink hair could possibly look.

Sasori rolled his eyes, "C'mon," He hauled me up by the arm. "You're going to stay in my room."

"BUT YOU'LL MAKE A PUPPET OUT OF ME!" I protested, trying to wriggle out of his grip.

"You wouldn't be any use to us as a medic nin, then!" He said, dragging me, despite my efforts, into the room at the very end of the hallway. It had white walls, a plaid bedspread and a brown dresser.

"I see you're into interior decorating." I commented, as Sasori tossed me on top of the bed.

He smirked ominously, "Your pink hair is enough decoration fort he entire room."

"Bastard!" I kneed him in the stomach, and watched in surprise as he keeled over into the fetal position.

"You're human." I said stupidly.

Sasori glared at me from his spot on the carpet, "_Obviously. _And I'm not used to feeling pain yet, so don't do that again."

I grinned, a plan already forming in my head. "Sasori," I lied, "I'd _never _even dream of it."

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_Tada! I made a sequel :) _

_In fact, this is going to be a whole series!_

_Tell me what you think, _

_Because I'm still not sure how long this will be._

_Maybe a few more chapters, but only if you..._

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	3. Sakura the Merciless

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**S**_a_k**u**_r_a **t**_h_e **M**_e_r**c**_i_l**e**_s_s

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Our eyes met across the hallway. In that instant, we both knew what we were fighting for. His eyes narrowed, I crouched, ready to spring into action the moment he moved.

Some might call me stupid, even reckless. But God dammit, Hidan was _not _getting the bathroom before me!

"What the hell are you guys doing, un?" Deidara asked, strolling passed me and walking into the bathroom. "You really should find something else to do besides bother each other." And then he slammed the door, and all hope was lost.

"BASTARD!" I cried dramatically, hitting the bathroom door repeatedly with my fists.

Hidan rolled his eyes at me, "You know, there are other fucking bathrooms in this place."

I looked up at him with little hearts in my eyes, "Really?"

He snorted, picked me up by the back of my pajama shirt, and hauled me past several black and red hallways. These guys need an interior decorator, for realz.

"Here," Hidan dropped me and pointed to a door at the end of this hallway. It had a little black cloud painted on it, just like all the other rooms. I grinned at him.

"Thanks!" I chirped, and slipped right into the room, not even taking note of Hidan's ominous smirk.

My smiled dissinigrated, however, when I stepped into the bathroom and came face to chest with the last person I wanted to see right now.

"Ah. Good morning, Itachi. I see you have yet to put your shirt on."

Itachi was, like, the Old Spice Guy. Except not black. Seriously, have you _seen _his pecks? I swear, Itachi Uchiha was spicalicious.

"Are you finished ogling yet?"

"Not yet. One more minute."

I could _feel _him roll his eyes at me. I could feel it. But I could also feel the humidity from the shower fogging up the mirrors and my senses, and the soft fabric of his towel pressing against the t-shirt I stole from Sasori.

If I didn't know better, I'd say Itachi was doing this on purpose.

"You're right about that," I looked up to see him smirking down deliciously at me.

"Right about what?" I breathed as Itachi placed one hand on the side of my head, preventing escape.

Suddenly, I didn't feel like a shower anymore.

"About me doing this on purpose," He whispered against my lips. OMFG, his breath smelled like chocolate!

"Were you eating chocolate earlier?" If there was chocolate here, I wanted to phucking know about it.

"No-" Itachi tried to back away as I sniffed his breath.

"Are you sure? If I find out this place has chocolate, I'm going to demasculinize you." I warned, wagging my index finger at him like a strict kindergarten teacher.

"I'm sure," Itachi sighed, "You can use the shower now."

And then he left, but not before squeezing my ass. I tried to kick him, but the bitch was out the door before I could even gather my chakra.

FML. Seriously.

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"Hello, Sakura-chan! Do you remember Tobi?"

"How could I ever forget Tobi?" I asked, glad to find someone with just as much gusto as me. We would make great friends.

Tobi plopped down next to me on the couch, and picked up the box of videos I was picking through.

"Your video collection sucks," I told him. "For real. You guys don't even have _The Titanic_!"

"Kisame sensei says that movie makes him sad," Tobi said.

"Why?"

"The boat crushed his old home when it went down."

"...The Titanic sunk, Tobi."

"Tobi is a good boy!"

WTF. I was speechless. Really.

"So what do you want to watch?" Okay, so not _really_. I'm Haruno Sakura.

"TOBI THINKS WE SHOULD WATCH _JAWS_!"

"OMFG YOU HAVE THAT MOVIE?"

"TOBI GOT IT FOR CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR!"

And then we both screamed, because _Jaws_ was just the kind of movie you screamed for.

"What's with all the screaming, un?" Deidara asked, strutting into the living room in nothing but a pair of pajama boxers. It was obvious he had just woken up, as his hair was bedraggled and wasn't even in it's ponytail.

_I want his hair._

_**Fuck, I want **_**all of him.**

"Tell me what kind of shampoo you use, and no one gets hurt." I warned, hopping in front of him and poking a finger to his chest.

Deidara raised a golden blond eyebrow at me, "I'm _so_scared, un."

"You should be, un."

"And why is that, un."

"Because I got a gun, un."

"..."

"OMFG THAT RHYMED!"

"Take some medication, un."

"You used it all, un."

"Quite mocking me, un!"

"THEN TELL ME THE SECRET TO YOUR MAGICALLY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"

"I'LL NEVER TELL A SOUL!"

"Well I don't have a soul, so TELL ME!"

Deidara just looked at me for a few moments.

"That's messed up, un." He shook his head, and his hair flew all over the place. I'm sure that's exactly what he did for that Pantene commercial, too.

"You know what's messed up? That you have nicer hair then me."

"It's natural, un."

"...or maybe it's Maybelline."

Deidara rolled his eyes and tried to push past me and drop onto the loveseat, but I was having none of that.

"HAAAA!"

I tackled him to the ground, grateful that someone had vacuumed since my arrival yesterday morning.

Surprisingly, Deidara smirked at me.

He _smirked _at me.

Where the hell does he get off _smirking _at me? Hellooo. I'm the one on top, Sunshine! **(A/N: It's just so easy to think of nicknames for Deidara XD)**

"That was a stupid move, un." And then he flipped us so that he was on top and I was lying on the cold, recently vacuumed floor.

I grinned up at him. "This is just how we met!"

Deidara chuckled, giving me the chance to knee him in his man parts. He rolled of me, clutching his jewels and moaning something about 'perverted pink haired chicks'.

"Walk it off," I kicked him lightly in the arm, and took my rightful place on the sofa next to Tobi.

"Put the movie in, Tobi."

He looked at me as if I suddenly held Hidan's scythe. "Tobi is not Sakura-chan's bitch."

"You are now! PUT THE MOVIE IN!"

"Yes mam'!"

"Actually," I said, index finger on my dainty little chin, "Call me 'Sakura the Merciless'."

"Okay, Mrs. Merciless-chan!"

And Tobi did what I said, just like a good boy.

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"Ino, have you seen Sakura?" Naruto asked when the petite blond finally answered her phone.

"Yes, now go away. I'm trying to work!" Ino snapped.

Sasuke snatched the phone away from Naruto. "We mean, did you meet with her at all? She never showed up to training."

"She didn't? Oh, maybe she was too hungover. We had quite the night yesterday." Ino smirked, remembering it.

"I don't think that's it, because she wasn't in her or your apartment."

"Did you check with Tsunade?"

"Yeah, she said to ask you."

"The last time I saw her she was so delirious she thought this dream she had about the Akatsuki kidnapping her really happened. I bet she went to take a shower and-Sasuke? Naruto? Are you guys still there?" Ino asked, irritated. She snapped her phone shut, mumbling about how stupid boys were and scaring several patients with her aura.

"Dobe."

"Teme."

"We have an issue."

"What is this issue in which you speak of?"

"Stop talking like that. Sakura's been _kidnapped _by the _Akatsuki_!"

"...OH SNAP! SOMEONE'S 'BOUT TO GET A NARUTO BEATDOWN!"

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"Are you guys seriously watching _Jaws?"_

"Yup," I chirped, happy to see Kisame wearing a shirt. I patted the spot next to me on the couch, as Deidara had refused to sit anywhere near me. Wimp. "Watch with us!"

Kisame looked slightly amused as he sat down next to me and propped his feet up on the coffee table. "That's an interesting outfit you have on, Sakura." He commented.

I looked down at my clothes; Diedara's long white button up, and a pair of tight spandex shorts. I shrugged, "I make dew with what I got, Fishstick."

His eye twitched at the latest nickname I came up with. "Fishstick?"

"Yeah! And Tobi is Sakura the Mercilesses bitch!" Tobi chirped as if being my bitch was the greatest thing in the world. I was flattered, really.

"Wanna join my band 'o bitches?" I asked Kisame, "You might wanna just say yes, as I had to take Dora the Explorer by force." I gestured over to where Deidara sat glaring at me on his own side of the couch. It was like we had booted him off the island, so he claimed another one.

"I think I'll pass," Kisame laughed. I shook my head.

"You guys need to learn what the word 'yes, master' means."

He laughed even harder. "I'll make you a deal," He said, getting my attention. I liked deals. They won you stuff.

"What _kind _of deal?" I asked, trying to play my card _just _right. I wouldn't want to end up like Tsunade after a round of strip poker,

"If you can beat me at strip poker-"

"Well, _shit._"

"-then I'll be your bitch. If not, you have to wear an outfit of my choice for a full day." He smirked, as if his plan to get my pants off was fool proof. As if.

"Tobi want to play too!" See? Tobi was totally a fool!

"Me too, un."

"Let's just get the whole Akatsuki to play," I muttered sarcastically. "It'll be a blast."

"Yeah!" Kisame agreed, completely missing-or ignoring-the _sarcasm _thing. "And the winner picks the outfit."

I thought about this for a second. I'm pretty good at poker, and I bet Tobi was one of those people who looked bad at something but were actually amazing. Besides, he was my bitch, so if he won I could just tell him what outfit to pick.

Besides, I doubt they had anything too _obscene _out here in the middle of nowhere.

"Okay," I smirked, "Let's do this!"

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_**P.S. I TAKE REQUESTS NOW! Just leave a link to a picture you like in your review (OR MESSAGE ME) and I'll write a oneshot based on it, or tell me about an idea for a oneshot and I'll think about writing that. In the summary for the story, I'll include who it was written for/who requested it. Thanks, everyone!**_

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	4. Miss Kiss

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**M**_i_s**s** _K_i**s**_s_

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"So this is what S-class criminals do in their free time," I shook my head, ashamed that I could even have been kidnapped by these guys, "This is sad. Really, really sad."

"Shut up," Sasori snapped, putting down the puppet-DOLL-he had just been playing with. Of course, he insisted he was 'working', but the Barbie and Ken dolls say otherwise.

Kisame, not nearly as mortified as me, stepped in before someone got bitch-slapped. "We were wondering if you wanted to play a game of strip poker..."

"And why on Earth would on want to do that?" Sasori asked, combing Barbie's hair with a mini Barbie brush.

"Because if you don't," I smirked ominously at him, lowering the flashlight to just under my chin (who turned out the lights? And how did nighttime come so fast?), "You might find it hard to wake up tomorrow." I threatened, looking about as evil as a kicked puppy.

Kisame laughed and patted me on the back. Hard. Sasori, however, was shaking in his boots.

Mission Accomplished.

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"Itachi! Wanna play strip poker with us?"

"No."

"Whyyy notttt?"

"I'm trying to write in my diary."

My ears perked up at that. "...Orly?"

Kisame shook his head, "Just come with us, unless you want the whose Akatsuki to find out whatever you've written in there."

"Just a few names..." Itachi laughed evilly.

_HOLY SHIZ! HE'S GOTTA DEATH NOTE!_

_**OMFG CAN WE BE L?**_

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"Are you guys drunk?" I asked, spotting Hidan and Kakuzu each holding a couple empty sake bottles. They both nodded.

"Good. Let's go play some strip poker."

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"Zetsuuuuu!"

"**Fuck no**."

"Damn."

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"Any reason you decided a game of strip poker was absolutely necessary?" Itachi asked as we all settled ourselves on the living room floor.

"Well, it was supposed to be a bet between just me and Kisame...but now I have a better idea." I said. They all looked at me expectantly, and I took that as my cue to continue.

"Why don't we all write down a penalty for the loser on a small piece of paper, put those in a jar or hate or something, and whoever loses has to pick from that pile of penalties."

"Sounds good, un." Deidara spoke for the group.

"I can't believe I have to get naked in front of you pricks," Hidan glared at everyone, as he was an angry drunk. "You don't deserve to see this masterpiece."

"Trust us, Hidan, we don't want to."

"_Moving on,_" I stressed. I handed a stack of cards to Kisame. "Shuffle those and pass them out."

"You sure you wanna do this, Sakura?" He asked me warily, but I caught the feral glint in his eyes.

"Hell yeah. You idiots underestimate me too much." I boasted, crossing my arms over my chest. I was the Hokage's apprentice, so of course I had this kind of experience. These shitheads were going down like the Titanic.

"Okay, let's do it then." Kisame smirked.

I suddenly felt very, very afraid.

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"Looks like you lost, Sakura." Itachi stated, throwing down his cards. I gaped at him.

"THAT IS SO NOT FAIR!"

"Actually, it is." He said smugly. How had he managed to get through the entire game without even losing his _cloak?_

Fuck them. I was just glad we agreed to only strip to underwear before the game started.

Hidan shoved the top hat we had put the pieces of paper in, smiling maliciously. "Pick wisely, bitch." Was all he said.

I decided I hated Hidan.

Reaching into the hat, I felt around a moment with my fingers. I doubted that would help me pick the simplest piece, but I desperately hoped that I picked Tobi's. His was probably something like 'sing I'mma little teacup' or whatever.

Instead, I pick the one that says 'Play truth or truth, must answer every question, and if loser refuses to answer, they must pick another card.'

At least I was wearing my cute pink and white polka dot bra and panties set. That made things a little easier.

That, and the fact that none of these pervs could take their eyes off me.

"Well, what'd you get?" Deidara slurred. Hidan had somehow managed to get almost all of the rest of the group drunk. But not me, because I was a smart little toaster and didn't take drinks from strange men.

I read the card out loud and watched as everyone gathered in a circle around me, ready for the game. Deidara was next to me and Sasori on my other side, they were both down to their boxers. Kisame still had his undershirt on, Kakuzu had only lost his cloak, Hidan was butt naked for no other reason than he wanted to be, and Tobi hadn't even played.

Some bitch he turned out to be.

"I'll fucking start," Hidan offered. He grinned predatorily at me, "So, pink bitch. What's the sexiest pair of underwear you own?"

"My Hello Kitty bra and thong set, of course." I told him, not even blushing. I wouldn't give these guys that satisfaction. Even if they were seriously ripped.

"Are you a virgin, un?"

"Yes."

"Who are you most attracted to in the Akatsuki?" Sasori inquired, sounding far more interested then he should. In fact, he should be dead right now. But _no_, S-class criminals couldn't just lay down and die!

"Um...Deidara." I said, blushing.

"What would you do for a Klondike bar?" Itachi asked, breaking the awkward silence before it started.

"Hidan. And that's saying something."

"What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?" Damn you, Kakuzu.

"'Do the curtains match the drapes?'"

"Do the curtains match the drapes?"

"Fuck you, Kisame."

"Do they?"

"Yes...they match the carpet and sofa as well."

Itachi chuckled like the psychopath he is. "What's your best pick up line?"

"Go out with me or die."

"You stole my fucking line!"

"Hidan, shut up, un."

"What's the stupidest crush you ever had?"

"I used to have a crush on my teammate, but he ran off to go be gay buddies with Orobitch, and when I tried to stop him he left me knocked out _on a fucking park bench._"

"Ouch, un."

"I know, right?"

"Hey, we're asking the questions here!"

"Tobi wants to know if Sakura-chan is Tobi's bestie!"

"Of course I am!"

"Have you ever been kissed?"

"..."

"Sakura?"

"...no."

"OH SNAP! ARE YOU FOR REALZ?"

"...Itachi, how much sake have you _had?_"

"Jus' a bit,"

"What's something you would never break?"

"A condom."

"What do you do when your boobs itch?"

"Take off my shirt and ask people to rub sandpaper on them."

"THAT'S WHAT I DO TOO!"

"Someone take the sake away from Itachi, _now._"

"You're a party pooper, Kisame."

"If I kissed you, what would you do?"

"Bitch slap you back to last Easter. Seriously, someone take away that sake."

"NOOOOOO!"

Itachi ran off down the hallway, sake in hand. We decided this was something he needed to deal with on his own.

"I'm going to bed, good night, bitches." I gave them a peace sign with my fingers and grabbed my clothes up from the floor.

"Where are you going to sleep?" Deidara asked. Out of the group, he was probably the least drunk.

"Your room, since your least likely to molest me in my sleep."

Deidara grinned, "I'm flattered."

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Deidara's room was pretty much the same as Sasori's, only his bedspread was blue, not plaid. He sat down on the bed and patted the space next to him. "You coming?"

"Um..." I hesitated. It wasn't that I didn't trust Deidara, it was just...

Well. I'm as innocent as a motherfucking kitten.

Sensing my distress, he rolled his eyes. "Trust me, you'll be safer on the bed then the floor. Less chance of getting kinks in your back."

"Ugh, I hate that!"

"Me too," He agreed, waiting for me to lye down beside him. Finally, I slid under the warm sheets.

"Goodnight, Sakura," Deidara whispered into my hair.

"Goodnight," I sighed tiredly. Being kidnapped was hard work.

"Wait! I almost forgot, but do you remember when you said you'd never been kissed?"

"...yes." I said, my cheeks burning. I tried to hid them with the blanket, but Deidara pulled it away from me.

"Stay still for a second," He instructed, and before I knew it, his lips were press against mine in a firm but careful kiss.

Deidara broke away a little too soon fro my tastes. "See ya in the morning, un." He murmured, as if nothing had happened. But I could hear the bashfulness in his voice.

_I shouldn't go around kissing S-class criminals..._

_**But it's not our fault they can't get enough of us!**_

With that thought in mind, I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of sugar plums and Akasuki bitches and sweet but hot kisses from the boy laying not an inch away from me.

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_**And so that's what the Akatsuki do in their spare time.**_

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	5. Akatsuki's Bitch

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**A**_k_a**t**_s_u**k**_i'_s **B**_i_t**c**_h_

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Have you ever had one of those moments when you were just like 'Wow. I'm phucking amazing'? I love those moments. In fact, I'm having one right now.

My plan is flawless. It should be, considering I stayed up until 2 a.m. to make sure Deidara was asleep and not about to molest me. Then, I quietly and quickly (LIKE A MOTHERFUCKIN' NINJA) snatched a piece of his art paper and wrote my whole plan down. Now that piece of paper is hidden in my back pocket, and I am right outside the doorway of Deidara's bedroom.

I plopped down (all ninja-like) on my calves and took the sheet of paper out of my pocket. Flipping it open (I like to fold them origami style), I reread the instructions.

_Sakura Haruno's Super Secret Awesome Motherfuckin' Escape Plan_

_1. Get out of bedroom. _

_2. Go to the bathroom and find out what shampoo Deidara uses. Also an excuse if caught._

_3. Crawl out the bathroom window (WTF puts a window in a bathroom?)_

_4. RUN LIKE A WILD HOG, BITCH._

And that was my plan. EPIC, right?

It was time for phase one. I slipped the paper back in my pocket and got on my hands and knees. Crawling was allot quieter than walking, and it made it easier to hide in case someone walked by.

I was halfway down the hallway when I realized I had made a big mistake.

How the fuck was I supposed to know which was to go in the dark?

Okay, calm down, Sakura. Take a chill pill. It was dark, sure, and maybe I was a _little _(JUST A LITTLE) afraid of the dark, but I'd been in these situations before. I'm a proud Konoha Kunoichi. I'll just have to wait for my eyes to adjust.

It took a moment, but I was able to tell where the hallway I needed to turn was. I passed bare white walls and several old stairways, until finally passing the bedroom with the indent on it's door. That's the spot where I slammed Hidan's head earlier today for groping my ass. Heh.

I crept past that room slower than usual, only because Kakuzu had told me once about Hidan being a light sleeper. I didn't want to know what he would do to me when if I was caught. The word _Sadist _popped into my head, though.

Finally, after what seems like _years _(it was actually four minutes and twenty-three seconds) I reached the bathroom. I sighed in relief and pushed myself to my feet. There didn't seem to be any reason to dust off the long netted ninja-top I had 'borrowed' from Deidara. Surprisingly, the Akatsuki base floors were relatively clean.

_I can't believe I actually did it! _I thought, reveling in the moment. Me, Sakura Haruno, Konoha ANBU and apprentice to the Hokage had just outsmarted NINE Akatsuki members. And I was only seventeen. HA.

"What in Jashin's name are you doing?" I screamed and whipped around, ready to kill whoever had just ruined my moment, and came face-to-chest with the one man I'd never like to see again.

"Uh..." I swallowed, trying to hide my fear. Not that I had any. "Going to the bathroom."

Hidan raised an eyebrow and scowled down at me, "Don't lie, bitch! You were trying to escape, weren't you?"

"Keep your voice down!" I hissed, "Do you _want _to wake the entire base up? Kakuzu wouldn't like that too much!"

He shut up, but gave me the most chill-wracking glare I'd ever felt.

Hidan grabbed my chin and _lifted _me up so the our noses were almost touching. "I'm not fucking stupid," He spat at me, "Don't think you'll get out of this place _anytime soon._"

He smirked, apparently satisfied that he had make me shit my spandex. As soon as he released me, though, I knee'd him in the stomach. Hard.

And then he curled over and laughed.

The psycobitch _laughed._

"What are you _on_?" I gasped. Hidan looked up and grinned at me.

"You stupid bitch!" He shouted hysterically. "Do it again!"

My jaw dropped. Seriously, _what was wrong _with this dude? Is he high? That must be some fucking strong stuff, if he is high.

"What's going on out there?" The worn oak door across from Hidan's flung open to reveal a very pissed and very mask-less Kakuzu. He was looking from me to the hysterical Hidan with barley concealed curiosity and a slight glare.

I sighed deeply, "Weed. It's one hell of a drug." I informed him.

You know, I think I'll just go back to sleep. The couch _does _seem awfully comfy.

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"What are you doing on the couch, un?"

I groaned and rolled over on my side, trying to tell Deidara to GTFO. After last night's escapade, I was _beyond _tired. And my knee hurt. Fuck Hidan and his stupid _abs._

When I heard the sound of retreating footsteps, I figured that meant I had won and would get to sleep in. I was proved wrong, however, not a minute later.

"You BITCH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THREW _WATER _ON ME!"

"Shut up, un. You'll wake the entire base."

"GOOD. THEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHAT A-MFF!"

I unsuccesfully tried to pry Deidara's hand off my mouth. He smirked at my discomfort (bitch) and the mouth on his hand flicked it's tongue out to lick my lips.

_Wow, kinky._

"So listen," Deidara started, totally ignoring that his hand was now fully trying to make out with me, "You may have noticed, but most of the Akatsuki didn't take housekeeping 101."

_So? _I asked him with a simple raise of my eyebrow.

"That's were you come in," He removed his hand in favor of patting me on the head like a dog. "_You _get to be Akatsuki's medic _and _housekeeper!" Deidara grinned.

I gave him this look that just basically said 'Are you fucking serious?'

He just kept grinning and pulled me into the kitchen.

"You're stupid if you think I'm actually going to _do stuff_ for you assholes."

"Then call me stupid, because you don't have a choice."

"I have a choice if I'm saying no."

"What was that? I couldn't hear you?" Deidara put a hand to his ear, as if the concept of me saying _no _had gone right passed him. I smirked.

"I HAVE A CHOICE IF I'M SAYING NO!" I shouted into his ear.

Deidara can screech really loud, you know.

"Listen," He hissed, suddenly serious. "As long as you're with the Akatsuki, it's safer to just _do what we say_."

"Why should I?" I asked. Despite the big talk, though, Deidara was _really _started to scare me. I took a few steps back, but he just kept matching them until my back finally hit the wall. Both Deidara's hands slammed down on either side of me, caging me in.

"Because," Deidara whispered huskily, his lips brushing my earlobe. "_We _hold all the power in this place. What could one little girl like yourself possibly do to hurt us?"

"Just ask Hidan," I muttered, and then coughed to cover it up.

"What was that?" Deidara brought his face back to my, our noses almost touched, and looked me square in the eyes. Suddenly, I felt like melting into a puddle of Sakura right on the kitchen floor.

Pfft. He'd probably tell me to clean it up.

"Nothing," I snapped, placing a hand on his chest to push him away. He grabbed both my hands and pinned them against the wall with one of his. "Show off."

Deidara smirked, "At least I have something to show."

"And I don't?"

He made a display of looking me up and down, eyes stilling for just a moment on some assets and sweeping past by others. "I'd have to say you do."

"You're disgusting!" I spat, glaring harshly at him. Deidara rolled his eyes and leaned in close enough to whisper against my lips.

"But I bet you like that."

And then he was gone, calling back nothing but a friendly "Make me some breakfast, will ya!" before turning the corner and disappearing to go to girly-criminal things.

I shivered, allowing myself to believe that his words didn't shake me nearly as much as they really did.

"You're making breakfast?" Sasori poked his head in the doorway, a (ORANGE) book tucked under one arm and his cloak hanging off the other.

Well, _shit. _

Human Sasori was fucking _ripped._

I tried my best not to ogle, but my efforts were proven ineffective when he smirked at me. "Really, you should learn to control your hormones."

"You should learn to wear a shirt!" I fumed, turned away from him to hide my blush. Unconsciously, I rummaged through the country-style white cabnits until I found some instant rice.

Sasori chuckled behind me. "If I did that, you wouldn't be nearly as much fun to toy with."

"What a funny choice of words," I mused, "Did you use to be just like a toy? Did you get tired of being dead and decide you wanted to be a real boy?"

"It was the Akatsuki's choice to revive me, not mine," He said, an edge to his voice. "Not that I regret it. I like living. It's quite enjoyable."

"Is it?" I asked, just _oozing_sarcasm. "I used to think that, too, until I got kidnapped by a group of madmen!" I shoved the rice into the cooker with a bit more force than necessary and set it.

I felt Sasori's gaze on my back, but I ignored it. Eventually, he snuck up behind me (his steps were just so light) and caged me against the counter. _Not again!_

I kept my back turned to him and focused on the rice. It would be done in just four more minutes...

"Sakura."

I scowled and finally faced him.

"What?"

He cradled the back of me head in his hand and kissed my forehead.

"I'm sorry," He said, and started walking back the way he had came. "Hurry up with those rice balls!"

For the second time that day, I found my jaw waving to the carpet. WTF was up these guys?

The rice cooker _binged, _and as I packed the rice into neat little balls I thought about how insane my day had started out. When was the last time I had this much fun in Konoha? Probably when me and Naruto had finally gotten Sasuke back, but that was two years ago.

As I set the food out on the table and poured a _little _(hehe) too much salt on Deidara's plate, one question kept running through my mind like Naruto on a sugar high.

Was I actually started to _like _living with the Akatsuki?

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_Baa-chan,_

_Me and teme recently discovered that Sakura had been kidnapped by those perverts in the Akatsuki, so we have set out on a rescue mission!_

_Don't wait up,_

_Naruto_

Tsunade crumpled up post it note in her hand and threw it at the nearest thing, which just happened to be Kakashi.

"Dammit! Why does he always have to act first and think later!" She shrieked, pulling at her pigtails. Tsunade whirled on Kakashi, "Don't you have anything to say about this!"

Kakashi didn't even look from his porn book. "Why not just send someone after them to round them up and bring them back?"

Tsunade's eyes lit up, as though this was an ingenious plan instead of the obvious thing to do.

"Perfect! Kakashi, go get Naruto and Sasuke and bring them back!"

Kakashi sighed, _of course _she gives him this mission. He just had to say something.

"Hai, Hokage-sama." And he disappeared in a cloud of smoke, promising to kill Naruto the next time they met.

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**(Review, dammit)**


	6. Tobi the Tedious

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_Things I Learned About the Akatsuki Whilst Kidnapped_

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_Sakura the Merciless_

_1. Itachi works part time as the McDonald's mascot, Ronald McDonald._

_2. Kisame french kisses the koi fish in the pond outside. I kid you not._

_3. Deidara does some pretty kinky things with those hands of his. Just sayin'._

_4. KAKUZU READS THE SAME PORN BOOK AS KAKASHI-SENSAI!_

_5. Tobi: WTF. Need I say more?_

_6. HIDAN IS A DIRTY THIEF WHO STOLE ALL MY HAIR GEL!_

_7. Pein is fucking Konan. _

_8. I think Zetsu is in love with his venus fly trap._

_9. Konan is fucking Pein._

_10. I WILL HAVE LOST ALL MY MARBLES BY THE TIME I FINALLY ESCAPE THIS HELL HOLE._

"What is _this?_" Sasori demanded, shoving the aforementioned list in my face. Behind him, the rest of the Akatsuki stood blocking my view of the TV, except for Pein and Konan, who were probably off somewhere fucking like bunnies.

I stared at him blanky.

"Why, I haven't the slightest clue."

"YOU LYING LITTLE BITCH!" Hidan lunged at me, scythe in hand. I hopped off the couch just in time, bowl of popcorn flying threw the air and landing on Itachi's head, and was saved from Hidan's psycho nature. Unfortunately, the couch wasn't so lucky. It was cut clean in half, stuffing falling out in disarray.

"I'm not cleaning that up." I stated, taking a seat on the recliner that Kisame usually inhabited.

Sasori ground his teeth together. "You never answered the question."

"You asked a question?"

He shoved the paper in front of my face again, as if to remind me of my sins.

"You are blocking the TV."

Wow. I never knew Sasori's face could get as red as his hair...

"What he means is, _why _did you write this, un?" Deidara hurriedly stepped in front of his partner and snatched the list away. I turned the volume up and gestured for Itachi to come closer. He did, and I took of piece of popcorn stuck in his hair and popped it in my mouth.

"Sakura?" Deidara prodded, starting to get annoyed. This was just too much fun.

"Well, back in Konoha that is what we call blackmail." I informed him, gesturing to my masterpiece of a list. "_Some _people should learn to hide their diaries more carefully."

Itachi's eyes widened. He knew who I was talking about.

"You're planning to blackmail us?" Kisame's rumbling voice cut in. I could tell he was laughing, as if the sake of his love affair with the koi were nothing. Fool. They'll all bow down to Sakura the Merciless.

"Indeed I am." I ate another piece of popcorn from Itachi's hair. Mm. Vanilla shampoo-flavored.

"And _why_exactly are you blackmailing us?" Kakuzu asked, hand on his hips in a 'bitch, this means war' stance.

"Future reference," I told him. "For when I want something and you're in my way."

"But what if we have blackmail on you?"

"You morons don't have shit on me." I smirked, "I'm un-fucking-touchable."

I stood up and stretched out my arms. "I think I'll go take a power nap, it'd be great if you guys could prepare some lunch for me." Smiling angelically, I turned away from them and stepped into the hallway.

Yeah. _Way _too easy.

OoOoO

OoO

O

OoO

OoOoO

"What should we do?" Sasori asked, after calming himself down.

"I dunno, un," Deidara frowned, "But we can't let her think she has all the power."

"I say we kill the bitch!" Hidan said, thrusting his scythe into the air. "Then all our problems are solved."

"No, because then the Akatsuki won't have a medic nin _or _bait for the Kyuubi." Itachi put in smartly, trying to pick the popcorn out of his precious hair.

"Listen," Kisame said, straightening himself up as to look more in charge, "All we need to do is find out some stuff about her. That way, she'll have no choice but to admit defeat."

Everyone seemed to like this plan, and it was Zetsu who pointed out the obvious flaw.

"And how are we supposed to get this dirt without her beating us to next week?"

**"You bitches aren't digging up any of my flowers."**

Tobi smirked behind his mask, seeming uncharacteristically evil for a change.

"Tobi has just the plan..."

OoOoO

OoO

O

OoO

OoOoO

I sighed happily, rejuvenated after my thirty minute nap. I needed that, the bags under my eyes were starting to become unbearable.

Throwing open the curtains, I let the sun warm up my room. Those idiots never knew what hit them. I mean, really, where did they get off trying to boss around _the _Haruno Sakura? Let this be a warning to all S-Class criminals: YOU DON'T FUCK WITH HARUNO SAKURA, HARUNO SAKURA FUCKS WITH YOU.

_Huh, _I thought, staring idly out the window at the garden, _I wonder why Itachi is digging up one of Zetsu's plants..._

OoOoO

OoO

O

OoO

OoOoO

Sometimes Sasori wondered if his partner and best friend were as sane as he claimed to be.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm gonna bomb the hallway, un."

"I can see that. _Why?_"

"Because," Deidara explained, as if it were obvious, "When Sakura hears the blast, she'll come running out of her room. I'll pretend to be hurt, and that's when you and Kisame can slip in and look for possible blackmail."

"Wow..." Sasori blinked. "I have to admit, I didn't think you were capable of coming up with such a foolproof plan."

"I didn't," Deidara muttered sourly, "Tobi did."

OoOoO

OoO

O

OoO

OoOoO

_BOOM!_

The force of the explosion shoot the entire base. What the hell of Deidara thinking, setting off his bombs _inside the fucking hideout! _Did he _want _to get discovered by some stray ninja?

Then again, if someone found the base Hidan would probably just sacrifice them.

But that didn't make it okay. Bombs should not be set off inside.

"Deidara!" I yelled, slamming open my door and stomping out into the smoke-filled hallway in nothing but my black spandex and black bra. My hair was still a complete mess since I hadn't run a brush threw it after I woke up. Someone better be dead or I'll kill them for this.

"Oh~" The moan came from somewhere down the hallway, and I hurried towards the sound. "Hello? Who is hurt!" I shouted, trying not to choke on the bomb fumes.

"Sakura..." Deidara whined. I was now close enough that I could see him lying on his back, his hand covering his face and Akatsuki cloak laying beside him.

"Deidara!" I got down on my knees, already switching into medic mode and pulling his hand away from his face. "What happened?" I demanded.

He looked up at me, noting my attire. His cheeks flushed a nice red, but I couldn't tell if it was because of my sports bra or because he was high. He _had _set off a bomb, after all.

Suddenly, the grimace on Deidara's face turned into a smug smirk. _Is he sane? _I wondered.

"Sorry about this, un." He said, not looking up at me, but at something behind me. I turned around just a second too late and was knocked out by Itachi's mangeko sharigan.

OoOoO

OoO

O

OoO

OoOoO

"Sakura the Merciless is going to kill us when she wakes up!" Tobi fussed, running his hands over his mask repeatedly.

"Shut up, un. This _was _your idea." Deidara snapped, laying Sakura down on his bed. They had retreated back to his bedroom while Itachi, Kisame and Sasori went to search her room. Deidara doubted they would find anything soon, Sakura seemed like the kind of girl to cover her tracks.

As if on cue, Kisame kicked his door down and yelled "HAHA! We got it!"

OoOoO

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OoO

OoOoO

**I am an evil, sadistic, merciless bitch.**

**Sorry about the short chapter :)**

**Haha, **_**TBC! **_

**Now review, or I'll make Lee rescue Sakura and the story will end :p**

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	7. Fun Sized

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**F**_u_n **S**_i_z**e**_d_

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_Damn, my head really hurts..._

I groaned and flipped to my other side. Going back to sleep sounded good, and I was in a warm cozy bed...

Wait. When did I go to sleep?

What was I doing before I went to sleep?

My eyes flew open, and I sat up so fast my head throbbed. Searching the room with my gaze, I realized that I was once again laying on Deidara's bed. Somehow, I always end up in someone's bed. But that was not the point, the point was that I was lying in an Akatsuki member's bed, in nothing but my black spandex and bra.

Damn. What else could go wrong?

"Go morning, Sakura." Someone spoke ominously from the corner of the room. I looked over to see Kisame standing up with a little too much grace for a shark. He smirked at me.

"It's afternoon, un."

"Shut up, Deidara!"

"No! It's MY room!"

"It's my VIRGINITY! DID YOU FUCKERS RAPE ME?"

"No yet."

"...Itachi. That's just creepy. Have you been drinking sake?"

Their stupidity was making my head hurt even more. "Look," I said, getting out of the bed and running a hand through my hair, "I just wanna know why I'm in Deidara's bed when I'm sure I wasn't here an hour ago."

Kisame's smirk returned, "We have something to show you." His nodded to Sasori, who rolled his eyes and slid something out of his pants' pocket.

"Vengeance is ours, bitch." Hidan said as Sasori held up a recent photo of me, Naruto, and Sasuke.

I blinked, "That's the best you can do?"

"We could rip this picture up!"

"So? I can take more."

"No you can't! Your little friends aren't even here!"

"But I can take a new one when I get home. It's just a picture, and it's not like I don't know their faces by heart anyway."

There was a moment of silence.

"This is all your fault, Kisame."

"Fuck you, Itachi!"

"What a waste of my time and effort," Kakuzu sighed. He stood up, stretched, told us all to 'let Hidan fucking sacrifice us' and left.

"Which of you fuckers is going first?"

"Hidan, put the damn scythe away."

"Seriously, keep it in your pants."

I rolled my eyes and plopped back down on the bed. "Why don't you bitches go make me some lunch?"

"WHAT?" Kisame fumed, "HELL NO!"

"Koi fish~"

"_Dammit!_"

And that's how I got Kisame and Itachi to feed me sushi while Deidara and Sasori rubbed my feet.

Life is good.

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"Hello, boys."

Naruto blinked and turned around,"Kakashi-sensai? DID YOU COME TO HELP US SAVE SAKURA-CHAN?"

Sasuke sighed. As always, he would have to be the smart one.

"Naruto, he was probably ordered to catch us."

Naruto looked from his teme to his old sensai, "Really?"

Kakashi nodded and smiled behind his mask, "Now let's go. I don't feel like wasting my energy fighting you."

"You don't have to," Naruto grinned, "SEXY NO JUTSU!"

Sasuke sweatdropped. At this rate, they would never save Sakura.

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"Next channel, minion." Sakura ordered, laying back on the couch. She was having Tobi flick through TV channels for her with the remote, Hidan dangled a bundle of grapes over her head, and Deidara was fanning her with a large leaf she had ordered Zetsu to let them borrow.

Oh yes, I could get used to this.

"Grape," I said, and Hidan scowled and lowered the bundle to mouth mouth so I could pick one off.

"This is demeaning, un." Deidara muttered, unamused by my mercilessness.

"Get used to it." I told him. Maybe I was still a little bitter from when he made me make him breakfast. Vengeance is mine after all, bitches.

"So guess what I found," Kakuzu said as he strut into the living room. I noticed he had a familiar small pink book tucked under his arm.

_That bastard._

"What the fuck is that?" Hidan asked, dropping my grapes and pointing his scythe at the book. Kakuzu send me the most evil smirk the world had ever seen.

"Sakura's diary."

And then it all went to hell.

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"I hate you guys."

"Yeah, yeah. Just shut up and eat."

I glared at Kakuzu as he piled more rice on his plate, looking utterly unconcerned.

"What are you so pissed about? Now we're even." Sasori noted from his seat next to me at the kitchen table. I tried to stab him with my chopsticks, but he dodged.

"I didn't want to be even! I wanted minions!" I whined, instead skewering a piece of meat on my plate with one of the sticks, glaring at it instead. It didn't taste nearly as good as when I made the Akatsuki make it for me.

Deidara rolled his eyes, "Quite being a drama queen, un."

"I'm not a drama queen, I'm Sakura the Merciless."

"Of course you are, now pass the dumplings."

"What's the magic word?"

"Give me the fucking dumplings before I rip your head off with Hidan's scythe."

"...So tempermental, Kisame."

So I lost. And it sucked. And vengeance _would _be mine. Just not yet.

First, I had to pass the dumplings.

FML.

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Nighttime came too fast for my liking, but I still gathered up my dignity and left the others to watch _The Notebook _in the living room. I was tired, and not really one for romance movies. In fact, why were a bunch of S-Class criminals watching _The Notebook _anyway? That wasn't really helping their badass image.

I yawned as I exited the bathroom, hair wet and smelling like vanilla. I borrowed a pair of Itachi's black silk boxers and black t-shirt to sleep in, and also snagged a pair of Kisame's nin pants. They were long and baggy and hung off the side of my hip, but super comfy.

"Hello, Sakura." I turned around and bumped right into someone's muscular chest.

"Why do I always end up with my face in someone's chest?" I asked, craning my neck up to see none other than Itachi's amused smirk. He ruffled my hair. just like Sasuke sometimes did.

"It's your own fault for being so short."

Oh _hell _no.

"I'm fun sized, DAMMIT!"

Itachi laughed, actually _laughed _at me. Like, he threw his head back and just started cracking up. It was so weird to see him laugh, especially since Itachi is known for being a Uchihalicious flavored popsicle.

Somewhere out there, a puppy died.

"Y-you are so-" Itachi gasped, still smiling faintly. He calmed himself and placed a hand on my waist, "-So _interesting._"

Okay. _Now _I'm scared shitless.

"Um...thank you?"

He chuckled again and placed his other hand on the closed bathroom door, pushing me against it as well. I felt like a trapped rat.

"Honestly," He shook his head and pressed his lips right next to my ear, "I don't understand you."

"You're not to fathomable yourself." I muttered, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

He leaned back a bit to look me in the eyes, "That's not what I meant, Sa-ku-ra."

Woah. When did his voice get so low and husky? It wasn't like that a minute ago.

"I think I'll go to bed now...nightseeyoutomorrowmorning!" I tried to slip under his arm and escape, but Itachi grabbed my elbow and pulled me back against the door, this time with a little more force. Both hands slammed down on either side of my head.

_**That was so HOT!**_

_NO IT WASN'T!_

_**Did you SEE him? He so wants us!**_

_THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING, DUMBASS._

_**He's soooo hot!**_

Obviously, Inner did not see my point. Loosing it to an S-Class criminal was _not _on my to-do list.

"Don't be so hasty..." Itachi whispered, his lips against my neck. His body was completely press against mine, leaving absolutely no room for distance. I put both hands on his shoulders, unsuccessfully trying to push him away.

Itachi smirked against my neck, leaving a trail of kisses down to my collarbone and one hand moving from the wall to figet with the hem of my-_his_-shirt.

An idea was slowly forming in my mind, stupid as it was. It was worth a try. So while Itachi's hand grazed my stomach I reached behind me and turned the knob of the bathroom door I was pushed against. It flew backwards from me and Itachi's combined weight and I fell onto the blue bathroom rug, Itachi following suit and dropping right on top of me.

His body was all over mine, every inch of our skin was touching. He propped himself up on his elbows and stared down at me, smirk on his lips and mouth open, ready to ask "WTF is wrong with you?"

And that's when Hidan's bedroom door slammed open and he came out, _The Notebook _DVD in one hand and scythe in the other. It took him all of five seconds to spot me and Itachi, lying on the bathroom floor in a very suggestive pose, and evaluate the situation.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO HER?"

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**Yes, I know I'm an evil bastard.**

**But would you review if I wasn't? ;)**

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	8. Fuck Buddies

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**O**_r_a**n**_g_e

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**F**_u_c**k** _B_u**d**_d_i**e**_s_

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**S**_h_e**r**_b_e**t**

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I pulled my hair back, trying to see if it would look fancy enough in a high ponytail. It didn't, so I let it fall back over my shoulders, happy that I had let it grow out to the middle of my back.

This is the best I've felt since being kidnapped by the Akatsuki. Even better than when Tobi agreed to be my bitch. And do you know why this day is so superspecialawesome?

I was going on a motherfucking mission.

And not just any motherfucking mission, but a motherfucking _assassination _mission. And it was at a night club, one of the best in Fire Country.

Oh yes, this night was going to be amazing.

That is, if I could figure out what to do with my hair.

_Maybe I should do a poof, like Snookie from Jersey Shore...?_

Nah. Too slutty.

_Straighten it?_

Too office-chic.

_half up half down?_

It's possible.

In the end, I straightened the shit out of it (yay for burned hair!) and pulled half back so only a few strands were left to frame my face. The rest cascaded down the rest of my back like a shiny pink mirror.

Take that, Deidara. I don't need your stupid magic shampoo.

Even if it did make my hair smell like sugar cookies.

It's a good thing we had Konan, I thought, as I picked through the pile of clothes she had left for me in my room. Most of them were slutty club tops and short skirts, but I think that was more due to what I had asked her then the location of the mission.

_"It's Konan, right?"_

_"Yes, Haruno-san. May I ask what kind of clothes you'd prefer me to leave for you?"_

_"Are you and Pein, like, fuck-buddies?"_

Seriously. I bet she was just pissed because I kept forgetting what her name was.

"Are you ready to go?" Kakuzu popped his head into my room, startling me. I threw the straightening iron at him, but he dodged.

"GET OUT!" The last thing I needed was for _another _Akatsuki member to see me in my underwear. Especially since the black bra and panties weren't nearly as cute as the lingerie I had been kidnapped in was.

Damn. I think I'm kind of a slut.

I guess that makes Ino a full-blown whore. No pun intended.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes at me (why did he NEVER wear his mask anymore? Not that I minded, more eye-candy for me) and said "You have fifteen minutes, hurry up."

"You can't hurry beauty!" I called after him. He ignored me and I glared a whole in his sport-jacket clad back.

"Stupid Ragdoll," I muttered, picking through the pile of slutwear on my floor. The Akatsuki had finally decided to give me my own room, and though it wasn't spacious, there was a mirror and even a small bathroom.

"Oh!" I said, picking up and admiring a bright red halter top. I slipped it on and paired it with a super short and somewhat-flowy black skirt. It allowed movement, meaning I could fight in it, thankfully, even if the halter left a small part of my stomach uncovered. Admiring myself in the mirror above my vanity, something occurred to me.

_Cute, _I thought, _But it needs something. _I looked back at the pile and picked out a three-quarter sleeve black leather jacket.

_Perfect. _I grinned at my reflection. Straightening my hair was a good choice, I would have looked too young to get into the club had I curled it. I naturally didn't have too many curves, but the halter accentuated what I did have and the skirt balanced the whole outfit out. The jacket just made me look badass.

Fuck yeah. This night was going to _rock._All I needed was a pair of strappy black heels to complete the look.

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"I'm done~"

Kakuzu sighed, slowly inclining his head toward me but not letting his eyes flicker away from the TV just yet. "Good. I hope you look presentable."

I pouted. After all my hard work, I expected at least a _few _jaw-drops.

"Why don't you be the judge of that?"

I could _feel_his eye roll, but Kakuzu didn't say anything as he flicked the off switch on the remote and stood up from his position on the couch. He was just about to turn to me when someone shouted "HOLY SHIT!" quite loudly.

"Hello, Hidan." I greeted stonily, turning around to see his jaw getting acquainted with the carpet. It was a sight one would wish they had their camera for, indeed.

"Since when do YOU have fucking BOOBS?" He explained, gaze traveling a little too low for my liking.

"Since I grew them when I was twelve, now stop ogling and let's get going already!" I snapped. Why did my patience always run thin around him? It couldn't be sexual tension, because I already had that with enough of the Akatsuki members.

Reluctantly, Hidan and a very amused Kakuzu followed me out of the base and out into Zetsu's painstakingly perfect garden. Adam and Eve would be so jealous.

We all did a quick transport jutsu, the thought never entering my mind that this was the perfect time to escape. I had my plan, I didn't them coming back to Konoha to get me.

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Five hours into the mission the target lay in a pool of his own blood in the back of the club. Not that I approved, but Hidan's gory ways gave us more to time to just hang out and enjoy the night life. Currently, I was on my fifth martini and Hidan was taking shots with the bartender. Kakuzu had long since ditched us to check out the book store across the street.

"Oh em gee!" I squealed as one the music changed to a fast techno tune. "I love this song! Hidan, come dance with me!"

Okay, I admit it. Things were starting to look a little bit fuzzy around the edges, including Hidan. But that just made him hotter.

My fellow drunk smiled sadistically as the bartender leaned over and heaved all over the wine shelf. Poor guy, he had only lasted about seven shots.

"Yeah," Hidan said gruffly, sliding off his stool and pulling my into the throng of people on the dancer floor. He started grinding on me, and I was wasted enough to go with it.

Hidan's hands traveled up my leg, under the fabric of my skirt and played with the straps of my underwear. I knew I should smack him for it, but all the different spotlight colors were making it hard to concentrate on one thing, especially when I felt so light-headed and happy and just all-around _good._

I was getting a little too into the beat now, my back grinding against Hidan's front. I slipped my arms around his strong neck and moaned quietly.

"Damn," I heard Hidan mutter. Why, I did not know. And why bother asking when everything was so perfect right now?

Before I knew it, the song had ended and a slower hip-hop tune was playing. Hidan spun me around so we were face-to shoulder, and breathed into my ear "You know what we should do?"

"What?" I giggled, sounding just like the whore I was posing as. I was such a good actor.

Hidan nibbled on my earlobe, his free hand tracing circles on the exposed skin of my stomach. "Go somewhere _darker_." He hissed, pulling me by the arm through the crowd of grinding bodies and into one of the nearly-pitch black hallways. There, he pushed me against the wall and caged me in with one of his arms. The other hand reached up to hold my chin between his thumb and index finger.

_Wait. _I thought. Something about this felt very _wrong._It was alot easier to think back here where it's quiet, but something told me it would be safer to be back on the dancer floor, where their were a lot more witnesses.

Hidan smirked slyly against the hollow of my neck, biting and kissing his way to my lips.

"Hidan..." I said, the fog over my senses clearing a little bit. "Maybe we should go find Kakuzu..."

His only response was an ominous laugh against my mouth before biting down on my bottom lip. I barely held in a scream and pushed his off me.

"I'm bleeding!" I shouted at him, quirking the cut with my hand.

"Suck it up, bitch." Hidan told me, looking more than a little peeved at being interrupted.

_How DARE he?_

_**Kick his sorry ass!**_

I took Hidan by surprise and caught him in the stomach with a swift kick, fortunately for him, I only put in a little chakra. He didn't laugh this time, though, just bend over and clutched his belly while I hit him in the back of the head with a chakra infused fist.

_Hah, _I smirked. _That's what you get for trying to de-flower Sakura Haruno!_

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"What happened to you, un?" Deidara asked as Hidan wandered into the living room the next morning, bleary-eyed and holding an ice pack against the back of his head. I was pretty sure that, behind his porn book, Kakuzu was smirking.

"Yeah," I agreed with Deidara, faking an innocent voice. "It looks like you bit off more than you could chew and got your ass kicked."

Hidan glowered at me, and I desperately held back from bursting into giggles.

"Shut the fuck up."

And then he flopped down on the other side of the couch, away from both me and Kakuzu, and I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"What's so funny, un?" Deidara asked, bewildered.

I shook my head and wiped a stray tear from my eye. "Nothing!"

Next time, maybe Hidan will know not to try and take advantage of me.

But I hoped not, because I almost never get to beat the shit out of anybody anymore.

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	9. Hot like Mexico

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**H**_o_t **l**_i_k**e** M**e**_x_i**c**o

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In the time I had been held captive by the Akatsuki, I had gathered all but two facts about Itachi Uchiha: 1. You touch his dango, you loose a hand and 2. He has two separate personalities. The first was the polite little homicidal maniac act that the rest of the universe knew, and the second was the one that had, on many occasions, attempted to molest me. I have dubbed this molesting Itachi personality 'Alejandro.'

Alejandro had a funny facsination with me. He would follow me around base and steal my sock when I wasn't in my room to guard them. Alejandro, to be frank, scared the shit outta me.

Which is why it made perfect sense when me, Sakura Haruno, found out that Itachi and Kisame were being sent grocery shopping, I made it my personal duty to tag along and make sure Alejandro didn't buy anything potentially dangerous.

Plus, it was the perfect opportunity to make my escape.

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o-o

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_Sakura's Grocery List_

_fabric softener_

_body wash _

_shampoo & conditioner _

_Peppermint tea_

_diet cherry coke _

_sugar_

_coffee_

_taco shells_

_duct tape_

_handcuffs_

_lip gloss_

_tampons_

_rubber gloves_

_a cucumber_

_dog food_

_whip cream_

_lighter_

_banana peel (minus the banana)_

_Vaseline_

"Sakura...what the fuck do you plan to do with all this stuff?" Kisame asked, eyes scanning my grocery list.

I snatched it out of his hands and grinned, "Oh, nothing you need to worry about."

Itachi eyed me suspiciously. That's right, Eduardo, two can play your fucked up little mind games. Just remember, I am the master of the mind-fuck.

A bubbling laugh escaped my lips, "Don't seem so hostile, guys! Why don't we split up, it'll be much faster-"

"Don't think so, pinky. I know the moment I take my eyes off of you, you'll try and escape again." Kisame said gruffly, obviously unhappy that such a manly man as himself had to push the grocery cart.

_Dammit! Foiled again! _

Obviously, these guys had trust issues. How could they not love a sweet, innocent, caring girl like me?

"Let's go!" Kisame called, already halfway down the cereal aisle. We were currently in the shopping district of Iwagakure, a sprawling city west of Konoha. Though I had to admit the weather was blatantly hot, it was nice to get out of the base for a while. Besides, there were so many other shops here; Gallant Groceries was just one of them.

"Wait for me!" I called, running to catch up with him and Itachi, who was being oddly quiet. Maybe Alejandro had gotten deported. The thought cheered me more then it should have.

We walked through the store making idle conversation, with me picking out a cupcake scented soy candle to freshen up my room and some (thank Jashin!) decent watermelon shampoo and conditioner. The only problem was that I couldn't decide what body wash to get.

"Just pick one..." Kisame grumbled. He was of no help at all.

I sent him a sharp glare, "Just hold on a minute!"

Itach sighed. "Is this really necessary?"

"Yes!" I shrieked. "I can't decide between the vanilla body wash and the green apple!" Didn't they understand the stress of this situation? MY FUCKING SCENT DEPENDED UPON THIS DECISION!

"I like vanilla," Itachi put in.

Now I knew exactly which one to get. "Green apple it is!"

I kept them in the toiletries a little longer, but it wasn't MY fault. I absolutely refused to use their stuff and smell like a man, and Gallant Groceries didn't carry most of my usual products. In the end, I found some Green Tea facial wash to keep my porcelain skin beautiful, and a cute clear pink toothbrush.

"Happy now?" Kisame huffed, finally moving into the next isle; hot drinks.

I picked out a box of peppermint tea and grinned at him, "hardly!" Behind me, the sugars and sweeteners were stacked painstakingly perfectly. I was half-tempted to just kick the shelf and watch all of the multi-colored boxes rain down upon us, but knew better than to test Kisame's patience any more than I already had.

Tossing the tea box into my crate, I snagged a mini bag of sugar and headed for the next isle, which I was posotive held my precious diet cherry coke.

"Where are you going?"

"Um..." Think, Sakura, THINK! "I'm gonna go jack some money from that old lady to pay for all this shiz." I held up my basket to show him that it was the 'shiz' in which I had spoken of.

Kisame looked me dead on. I held his gaze. Finally, he sighed and shooed me away, allowing me to wander around the store and gather my necessities.

Cackling evilly, I practically ran past three isles...

Only to bump into something hard and suspiciously ab-like in front of the fourth.

"You didn't really think we'd let you wander off alone, did you?" Itachi laughed, his chest rumbling.

"A girl can dream." I sighed sadly, avoiding his gaze and instead inspecting a row of tampons. After a moment of consideration-the cardboard _did _hurt-I decided on Tampax Sport and dropped a mega box of them into my crate.

"I got your coke," Itachi said, stepping in front of the tampons and waving a twelve pack of diet cherry in my face. I almost squealed in delight.

"They have it!"

"Yep," Itachi smirked devilishly. "But you know...I'm not sure I want to give this to you. Cherry is my favorite, after all."

Alejandro has emerged.

"Please," I snorted. "Diet is the last thing you need. You should really try and pack on the pounds, Itachi." Geezus, why were my cheeks burning? It couldn't have been that cherry comment, could it? I fingered a lock of my soft bubble gum pink hair, avoiding eye contact.

Alejandro's eyes went wide, "are you sure?" He asked, holding the twelve-pack close to his chest with both hands. "I wouldn't mind keeping them for myself. This _was _the last pack, after all..."

He's lying. He _has _to be lying.

BUT THAT LITTLE FUCK WAS TRYING SEPARATE ME FROM MY SODA!

That was the last straw. I dropped my basket-thankfully nothing spilled out-to the floor and grabbed one end of the soda box, pulling with all my might.

Alejandro wasn't about to give up, though. He yanked the other end with surprising force, causing me to nearly loose my footing and collide with his chest. But oh, no. I wasn't going to loose my precious diet cherry soda to some creepy alternate personality.

"Give it back!" I yelled. My hands were turning as red as the coke box. Someone was going to pay for this in blood, hopefully Alejandro.

"Make me," He drawled. The bastard didn't even look like he was breaking sweat! He was just standing there, holding on to his end of the box as if I didn't have the same super-strength as Tsunade.

"It's mineeeeee! Give it!"

"Okay."

Suddenly, Alejandro let go of his end, sending me flying back onto the cold tile floor, the coke box landing none-too-lightly on top of me and knocking the wind out of my lungs. As if that wasn't enough, I hit the ground ass-first, legs sprawling out and giving him a clear shot of my panties.

"Polka dots?" Alejandro remarked, smirking. "I had you pegged for a stripes kind of girl, Sakura."

My cheek flared. And to think that this morning, wearing my red cotton skirt had seemed like a good idea. I suppose it could be worse. At least my bra wasn't visible through my tight white shirt, the one that didn't seem capable of touching the top of my skirt.

"Go shove your face in a bowl of hot ramen, Alejandro." I snapped, pushing myself up and holding the twelve-pack to my chest.

"Whose Alejandro?"

I didn't bother to answer him, already strutting down another aisle.

-o-

o-o

-o-

Thirty minutes later, and I had covered the entire grocery store, Itachi following me like a lost puppy. It seemed that Alejandro had crawled back into what ever sewer he had emerged from, so things were pretty serene for the moment.

We couldn't have that, now could we?

I stopped in the middle of the toilet paper aisle, gaining the other customer's attention with a blood curdling scream. After shooting a merciless look at Itachi, I announced "OK, Who squeezed my melons?"

A little old lady crawled forward and hit me over the head with her pimp cane.

"Damn prostitutes!" She yelled, wagging a withered finger at the crowd. "Why can't you just stay indoors?"

She hit me again, this one accompanying a satisfying _thunk! _And walked away with a new bounce in her step. The rest of the audience just gave me a weird look and went back to whatever they had been doing.

"Are you high?" Itachi whispered, suddenly _rightnextto _my ear.

I squeaked, jumped away from him. "Dammit! Do you think you're a fucking _ninja_ or something?"

He raised one delicate black eyebrow.

Oh, right.

"Fuck you. I'm starting to miss Alejandro." I lied. Now he'll be sorry.

"Whose Eduardo?" Itachi asked, obviously miffed that the little pink haired prostitute couldn't get his name right. I laughed ominously, setting him on edge.

"Oh...don't worry about it..."

And before he could ask me if I was high again, Kisame trekked down the aisle, proudly wheeling two full carts behind him. "Time to go, suckers!"

"Don't we have to pay?" I inquired.

"Sakura," Itachi said gently, looking me in the eyes. "We're S-Class criminals and Akatsuki members. What do you think?"

And that is how I ended up participating in the Great Grocery Store Hijack of 2011.

-o-

o-o

-o-

"Hey teme?" Naruto asked, the limp body of his former sensei slung over his shoulder.

"Hn?"

The blond nin bit his lip. "Does something about this picture seem..._wrong_ to you?"

Sasuke looked from the unconscious face of Kakashi to Naruto's worried expression. Well, he decided, there was only one answer for that.

"Porn-reading manslut had it coming."

-o-

o-o

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**The end ;)**

**Hmm...what should happen next chapter?**

**Now review, or I'll set Hidan on your asses.**

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	10. Sex on the Beach

_Note: This chapter is for you, __Cherry-Hime-chan__! You're damn right this story needs more PeinSaku!_

-o-

-o-o-o-

**S**_e_x **o**_n_ t**h**_e_ B**e**_a_c**h**

-o-o-o-

-o-

"Yo, Hidan, did you bring the surfboard?" Kisame shouted.

Hidan cracked an eye open, glaring at the hovering form currently blocking his motherfuckin' sun. "Why the fuck would I do that?"

"Um, so we could _surf?_" I supplied, leaning into Deidara. We were currently sharing a beach towel, both sprawled out on the blue-flower pattern. Why was I laying with an S-class criminal at the beach? There was a very simple answer to that question; it's about time I got laid.

Oh yes, most of my friends back in Konoha have done it by now. Ino even gave me details of her first time. Now, I bet you're wondering why I suddenly changed my mind about staying abstinent-not that you shouldn't. Sex is bad, kids (fuck that)-you see, I am surrounded by hot S-class criminals. If you saw them, you would be re-thinking morals, too.

So yes, today begun Operation Get Laid.

"Dei-kun," I nuzzled his sun-tanned neck, batting my eyelashes seductively. "Can we go for a swim?"

"You can, un. I'm staying dry." He turned onto his side, leaving me staring straight at his (toned, muscular) back.

_Dammit! _I though. This was _not _going as planned. I thought of all the Akatsuki, Deidara would be the most willing. Actually, that title would probably go to Alejandro, but he still scared me shitless.

Currently, Pein had decided the Akatsuki needed a vacation, so he drove us all to the beach in hopes that we would get some bonding done. I didn't think it was a very good idea, since the boys are competitive over whose socks are the whitest, but hey, it gave me a chance to put my plan into action. Who was I to argue?

Next try; Hidan. From what I gathered, he was the horniest of all the Akatsuki.

I humphed and picked myself up from me and Deidara's beach towel, slowly making my way over to where Hidan and Kisame were still fighting over the surfboard. Making sure to sway my hips seductively, I sauntered up to my next prey like a hooker to a billionaire.

"Hey there." I smiled, looking up at him through my eyelashes.

"Sup'," Hidan muttered gruffly, glowering at the still-grinning Kisame. I spared the shark-man a glance; yes, he was sexy and buff, but blue just wasn't my color.

It aggravated me to no end that Hidan was not giving me his full attention. Who cared about a surfboard when he could have me, _Haruno Sakura_, underneath him? I'm way better than some plank of wood!

And so, I decided that I wasn't going to get anything from Hidan. I could just try Kisame, but he seemed distracted, too, so I just needed to find someone who wasn't doing anything.

I glanced around the beach, spotting Itachi idly flipping through an old issue of _Seventeen. _Okay, he seemed a little _too _into that. Kakuzu was reading his porn again, but-plus plus!-his mask was off, showing off his sexy deep-green eyes and glossy brown hair to the world.

"Hey!" Sidling up to him, clasping my hands behind my back like (heh) an innocent little kunoichi.

Kakuzu slowly looked up from his porn novel, sparing me the smallest of glances. "What?"

"Ouch. And here I thought you'd like some company." I pouted, looking cute. How could he resist this?

"I wouldn't." He deadpanned, digging his nose back into the pages of Itcha Itcha Paradise.

My jaw dropped. Kakuzu, too? How the hell am I supposed to get laid if they all keep refusing me!

I took a deep breath. Okay, so what if I've been denied three times? There other fish in the sea! Speaking of fish, Kisame was lookin' mighty sexy in that speedo...

_**No, Sakura, just no.**_

_Okay then, _I thought. _Sasori it is._

I spotted Sasori leaning against palm tree, enjoying it's shade. I plopped down next to him and leaned against his shoulder.

He stiffened. "What are you doing?"

"Enjoying the shade."

"No, I mean what are you doing to me."

I gave him an innocently confused look, "I just needed something comfy to lay against."

Sasori did _not _look happy. "And that 'something' just _had _to be me?"

"Yes," I told him, turning on my side so I was fully pressed against him. "So hows that 'suddenly human again' thing going for you?"

If I didn't know better, I'd say he was blushing. "It's fine."

"Really? Does it hurt?"

"Like a bitch."

"Like a virgin, touched for the very first time~" I sang, enjoying the way the redness on his cheeks spread over his nose. I always knew Sasori was a true ginger.

"Uh...yeah..." He abruptly stood up, leaving me lying flat on the sand. "I have to, uh, attend to something. Bye."

_Yeah, _I thought, watching his retreating back. _I bet that 'something' is a cold shower._

Damn, Sasori had a nice ass.

"Sakura?" I looked up, shielding my eyes against the sun, only to lock eyes with Pein. Why he was hovering over me, I hadn't a clue. But he did things to those swim-trunks that should not be legal.

_Well, hello there. _"Hi! I wasn't just trying to seduce Sasori into fulfilling my wildest fantasies or anything! Nope, not this innocent little kunoichi!"

_**Way to play it smooth, Sak.**_

_STFU._

Pein gave me a bemused look. "Is that so? I was just wondering if you were hungry, since everyone else seems to have eaten."

"Hahahaha...yeahhhh, actually. I am kind of hungry."

"Great," He held out a hand to help me up, "let's go eat."

_He's like a prince!_

"Uh, okay..." I grabbed his hand.

He pulled me up and led me past all the guys beach towels. When we past Itachi, he glanced up and gave me a very suggestive Alejandro look. I stuck my tongue out at him.

Pein, still holding my hand, pulled me into the little shack on the beach we had all put our stuff in when we showed up. It was dark in here, save for a little light spewing in from the window on the right wall, and I could see Hidan's scythe lying forgotten in a corner of the room. Tempted as I was to pick it up and wield it's power, I knew something like that could get me kicked out of the shack by Pein.

He let go of my hand and grabbed a large picnic basket lying by the window. From that, he pulled out a green blanket and layed it over the dusty wood floor. "There, now we won't have to worry about getting splinters in our asses."

"Yes, I can see how that would be a problem." I agreed, taking a seat next to him and peeking in the basket. Pein caught me doing so and smirked.

"It's just beach food, nothing poisoned."

Why do I doubt that...?

"I know you guys wouldn't do that!" I laughed. From the sly looked Pein gave me, I knew it wasn't all that convincing.

Okay, time to put Operation Get Laid into action.

"So Pein," I flipped my watermelon-scented hair over my shoulder and batted my eyes flirtatiously. "What's it like being the big bad leader of an organization like Akatsuki?"

"Well," He took two peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches out of the picnic basket and handed one to me. "It's kind of like playing the wolf in _Little Red Riding Hood. _I gotta pretend to be horribly mean so I can keep up my image."

He took a bite of his sandwitch and then pulled out two bottles of lemonade, one pink and one yellow. "Which one do you want?"

"The pink." He handed it to me. "So what does that make me in the story?" I asked suggestively, playing with the cap if my bottle.

Pein took a sip of his lemonade and smirked, "I'd say you can be Little Red, but Sasori has already taken that part."

I laughed as if that was the funniest thing I had ever heard. "You're funny! I never would've guessed!"

"Most people don't." We ate in silence for a little bit, nothing filling the air but the sound of our swallows and gulps.

"So..." I started slowly, wondering how to bring this up. "Are you and Konan, like, together?"

If there wqas one thing I was not, it was a homewrecker. I refuse to fuck a guy with a girlfriend.

But S-Class criminals are perfectly okay.

Pein sighed loudly, as if a great weight had been deposited on his shoulders. "I don't know. She keeps sending mixed signals. Like, one day she'll be all over me, and the next she'll completely ignore me. I don't know what's going on in her head."

"Maybe you should make her jealous," I suggested, "you know, show her you have other optyions and that she can't just keep you hanging on like that."

"But I _don't_have other options," Pein pointed out, "who would I make her jealous with? Itachi?"

"More like Alejandro. That's something he would do." I muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing! I mean," It was now or never. Time to make my move. "You have _me_." I said, leaning close to his ear, hands placed oh so innocently on his upper thigh.

Pein blinked, dumbfounded for a moment, but quickly got over it. His arm snaked around my waist, lips _almost _touching mine. "You just might be right, Sa-ku-ra." He breathed.

God, his breath smelled amazing. Like chocolate, even though he'd been munching on PB&J. And the way he said my name...it was motherfucking _hot._

I sucked in a breath, "I'm _always _right."

And then I closed the distance between our lips.

-o-

o-o

-o-

"Has anyone seen Sakura, un?" Deidara asked, finally realizing that the girl who had been previously clinging to him was now AWOL. He missed the warmth she brought him, even if it was ninety-five degrees outside.

"I saw her earlier, "Kakuzu said, looking up from his porn to see Deidara's face, "but after that I didn't see where she went."

Sasori, listening in on the conversation, put in; "The last place I saw her was by the palm tree over there." He pointed in the general direction of the place where Sakura had all but molested him. Thanks to her, he had to take a dip in the freezing ocean water.

Kisame let out a deep, rumbling laugh. "You all sound like a bunch of worried housewives!"

"She could have escaped, you know." Itachi suggested, flipping a page of his issue of _Seventeen._

Simultaneously, every Akatsuki member's head shot up. They all looked at each other, seemingly thinking the same thing; _Aw, _Shit.

"Alright you fuckers," Hidan said, taking control. "Fan out and find the little bitch. Leader will skin our asses if he finds out we let her get away."

They did as they were told, running this way and that across the sand. All but one lone figure stood in the middle of the chaos, muttering to himself.

"Tobi wonders what happened to Leader-sama, anyway..."

-o-

o-o

-o-

Pein was a damn good kisser.

Like, fer serious. At first glance, he wouldn't seem like the type of guy who got much action, but let me tell you; The leader of Akatsuki was most-definitely over-sexed.

His kissing was flawless. His tongue dominated mine effortlessly, and before I knew it, I was lying face-up on the green picnic blanket, his hands expertly exploring my body.

I moaned as his face dipped under my chin, leaving little nips and bite marks on my neck. My hands were tangled in his hair, one leg between his and the other around his waist.

It was just my luck that at that moment the door decided to fly open.

"TOBI FOUND SAKU-_WHAT IS LEADER-SAMA DOING TO POOR SAKURA-CHAN?_"

Pein all but jumped off of me, me sitting up and fixing my hair to hide whatever damage had been done to it. My cheeks were burning, I'm sure, but Pein looked just as cool and collected as ever.

Zetsu popped his head in the doorway, the first to respond to Tobi's call. "Obviously, some sort of fertilization was going on in here."

**"Did you fuckers even remember to use a condom?"**

Oh, hey. I knew I forgot to bring something with me.

Hidan was next. He stomped right into the shack and when he saw me, a goofy, lopsided grin spread across his face.

"Nice fucking tits." He told me.

"Wha...?" I looked down, seeing that my bikini top had, in fact, been untied. Mortified, I pulled it back up and tied it as tight as the string would allow. Once that was taken care of, I sent a glare at Pein, who shrugged as if to say 'Hey, I'm a _man._'

"Stop looking!" I spat at Hidan, who still had that stupid grin on his face. Oh, how I would love to wipe it off with one of my fists, but right as the thought passed my mind the rest of the Akatsuki came running up, looking between me, Hidan, Tobi, Zetsu, and Pein, obviously bewildered.

I stood up and dusted myself off, not bothering to explain everything to them. It was none of their business, anyway. Spotting my red cotton shorts and matching jacket hanging on the coat rack, I snatched those and slipped them on over my Coca Cola halter bikini.

"Well?" I snapped, zipping up the jacket only halfway. "The show is over, you perverts!"

I shoved my feet into my flip-flops and stomped past them all, completely pissed that Operation Get Laid did not go as planned.

"Dude," Hidan said, looking over and glaring at Pein. "Why does she nearly loose it to _you_, but won't even let _me see _her fucking tits!"

"Technically," Pein said in his usual monotone, "You _did _see her tits."

"_What?_" Someone hissed. Everyone looked back to see Deidara glowering at Hidan, cracking his knuckles.

Hidan smirked, "Jealous, you little shit?"

"Actually," Itachi stepped up, tossing _Seventeen _on the sand behind him, "he's not the only one."

"Not by a long shot." Sasori added, stepping up with Kakuzu close behind him.

Hidan took in the murderous looks on all their faces, actually starting to feel a bit afraid. Where the hell was his scythe when he needed it?

"I'm not even the one who almost fucked her!" He argued. But it was too late. The group closed in on him, Hidan's screams lost in the summer sunset.

-o-

o-o

-o-

"Sakura-chan, would you like another marshmallow?" Deidara asked politely, one arm holding his stick in the bonfire and the other hanging loosely from her waist. It was a friendly gesture, Sakura knew, but that could all change if she played her cards right.

For now, though, she had decided to put Operation Get Laid on hold, as Hidan was still glaring at her and Deidara on the other side of the fire, bruises marring his exposed face and chest. When she had asked what happened to him after she stomped out of the shack, the guys had refused to tell her.

"Sure." She grinned at him,loving the way his blue eyes sparkled just for her. The rest of Akatsuki sent jealous glares at his back, but Deidara ignored them in favor of the pink-haired beauty in front of him.

**"Get a room." **Dark Zetsu, as Sakura had dubbed him, spat at them.

"We had a room," She reminded him, "-at the beginning of the story. But then you guys barged in and made all this stuff happen and here we are now!"

Pein rolled his eyes at his group o' bitches. "You all need therapy. He informed them, popping a burnt marshmallow in his mouth. The heat burned his tongue and his eyes watered, but he swallowed it none-the-less, because Pein was a manly man.

"Fuck all of you." Hidan grumbled, flinging his marshmallow at Itachi, who dodged and went all Alejandro on his ass by whacking Hidan over the head with his stick.

Sakura grinned, honestly surprised how much she enjoyed living with a group of S-Class criminals who had kidnapped and molested her on more than one occasion. If she didn't know better, she'd say she was actually starting to get attached to the Akatsuki.

"You guys are such bakas," She informed them, "but at least you're fun to hang out with."

"Maybe you should agree to joining the Akatsuki." Pein suggested.

"And deal with Alejandro and the rest of you my entire life? No thanks. I think I'll stay the adorable captive."

"Who the hell is Alejandro?"

"Long story." Sakura waved him off, leaning into Deidara and closing her eyes. The night just felt so peaceful, what with the stars twinkling overhead. Sure, she missed Naruto and Sasuke, but she knew that wherever they were, they were all looking up at the same sky. Besides, it was calm here. Not like she expected when first being kidnapped. The Akatsuki...were, surprisingly, half decent.

"TOBI'S MARSHMELLOW IS ON FIRE!"

Well, some of them were.

-o-

o-o

-o-

"Okay, dobe. We're in the Akatsuki base, so where is the Akatsuki?" Sasuke glared at his so-called best friend while Naruto scratched his head in confusion.

"Lunch break?" He suggested, earning himself a smack on the head.

"Ow! Teme, why are you always so mean to me?"

Kakashi sighed. As embarrassing as it was, he had been knocked out by these two dumbasses. He could kick both their asses right now and drag them both back to Konoha, but he wanted Sakura back just as much as they did.

Thinking of her long pale legs and sparkling green eyes made him blush behind his mask. She was so beautiful, so full of life. How had Sasuke ever of just left her lying on a park bench? Although, ever since he'd returned he'd been smitten with his former teammate.

Naruto was still head-over-heels in love with her, so of course the two had been battling for her attention. Plus, Sai had shown somewhat of an interest.

Kakashi felt like he was battling all of Konoha for Sakura's affection. One could only imagine what a sick, twisted organization like the Akatsuki was doing to her.

"Why don't we go back to Konoha and you can set up a search party? Akamaru has Sakura's scent, and I'm sure Kiba would agree to help. Also, Ino from Shikamaru's squad would most likely agree." Kakashi suggested.

Naruto and Sasuke stopped bickering for a moment to stare at their old sensei incredulously.

"When did you wake up?" They both asked simultaneously.

Kakashi sighed. This was going to take longer then he originally thought.

-o-

o-o

-o-

**Question: So what couples would you guys like to see more of?**

**Remember, knowing that you guys actually read this crap makes writing it worth while :)**

**That, and I LOVE writing humor!**

**Also, I think I'll add some more deisaku in the next chapter...and hidasaku...and maybe some tobisaku while we're at it XD**

**I know I say this every chapter, but...**

_REVIEW!_


	11. Gold Digger

Hello lovely readers, today I have decided to start off with a wonderful author-reviewer session, in which you review and I answer any questions and/or concerns you may have.

Here ya go:

Seien Iro: I am planning on having Sai join the Search for Sakura party. I've been planning on adding him for awhile, because I love him and he loves to be in my stories :) P.S. cherry soda = junk food God

Green-Eyes-Love: Thank you :) There's going to be some DeiSaku and HidaSaku soon. This chapter is going to be continued to next chapter so everyone will feel some love.

ima-panda-hear-me-roar: I do believe Lady GaGa is trying to contact you via fanfic O.o

MirameiJinx: No need to fear, the Sakura pwnage is coming :D remember, she's merciless.

Animeromance luver: HELLZ TO DA YEAH.

xxGaara'sAngelxx: A club? Huh. That would make a nice idea for a one-shot. *The gears are a' churnin'*

If you weren't on that list, DON'T SEND ME HATE MAIL. Just kidding :) It's not that I don't love all my reviewers equally, it's just that most of these guys asked questions that I feel compelled to answer. Now go read the next chapter. Jeezus, I can't believe you wasted your time on this little side note anyway O.o

Oo0oO

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**G**o_l_**d** D_i_**g**g_e_**r**

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Oo0oO

"So Deidara."

"What, un?"

"Tell me again how we got locked in this closet."

"I've already told you like five times, though..."

"Yes. I realize that. But as you can see-well not _see_, there's no fucking light in here-I am quite angry. In fact, I may repeat it myself just to let the readers know what the flamingo is going on."

...

...

"Deidara?"

"You smell like watermelons, un."

"GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY HAIR, YOU FUCKING CREEP!"

o0o

O0o0O

o0o

So yeah. I'm stuck in a closet. With Deidara.

FML.

How did this happen? I'm still trying to figure that out, myself. Maybe I had finally snap crackle popped. That would suck. You know what also sucked? Being stuck in a closet with a drunk and horny Deidara, dressed only in sparkly, lime green spaghetti-strap dress that barely cleared your ass.

Okay, time to click the rewind button.

o0o

O0o0O

o0o

Was the price of freedom really this high?

I sighed, inspecting the bare white walls of my new room. After returning from the beach, Pein had ordered a quick search of the base and told me to hide behind a bush. Once they finished, he announced we were relocating to his house.

If Pein wasn't such a weirdo like that, I'd think that someone found the Akatsuki hideout.

But that was not the point.

The point was, those motherfuckers had made me leave all my (Konan's) clothes back in that base. I wasn't even aloud to go and get my toothbrush. And when I tried to sneak away, Alejandro tossed me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Can you believe the nerve of that guy?

So, after a quick mental argument, I left my new bedroom and walked down the new hallway into the new living room and went all Sakura the Merciless on the guy's asses. They agreed to take me shopping-via Pein's credit card-in no time flat. I love my group of manbitches.

Which brings us to where we are now.

"Ooooooh, look at all the stores!" My eyes literally glimmered as they took in the five-story mall. We had walked in on the first floor, after making sure Hidan parked the Akatsuki company car correctly. He only ran over three people on the way here.

Behind me, the manbitches all shot horrified looks at each other. Shopping a manly man does not make you. Everyone was here, excluding Pein. I stared them down, daring someone to contradict the power of Sakura the Merciless.

"I ain't carrying around no fucking bags, bitch." Hidan was the first to grow a pair large enough to talk back to me.

A sickly grin spread across my face, "How cute. As if you have a _choice._"

Hidan gulped and jumped behind Tobi, just like the bitchy man he was.

"T-Tobi thinks Lord Sakura-sama is being a bit cruel..." Tobi mumbled, toying with his fingers whilst shaking in fear. "We Akatsuki aren't used to s-shopping."

The Akatsuki all gasped in unison, as if _shopping _were a vulgar word.

"Too bad!" I chirped, happily skipping towards the Limited.

"Sakura." It was Alejandro's voice, not Itachi's, that stopped me in my tracks. "We are _not _going in there." He leveled his sharigan-gaze on me, which I blatantly avoided. I even put my hands over my eyes and stuck my tongue out at him.

"You dare contradict your queen?" I knew they weren't stupid. Everyone could see the chakra I was gathering into my hands. If need be, I would force them to shop with me.

"How about this," Kisame cut in before anything could get violent. "We'll eachspend an hour s-sh-_shopping-_" He shuttered. "-with you."

I put a hand under my chin, considering this. It was only nine-fifteen, which meant I had plenty of time to look at clothes and such. Having one manbitch wasn't as fun as having nine, as there would be less people to creep and keep an eye on me-

HOLY SHIZ. I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY.

A slow smile crawled across my face. "Sounds great, Kisame! Whose first?"

The Akatsuki all looked a bit bewildered by my sudden mood change, but shrugged and went along with it in a way only manbitches could. "I'll go." Sasori offered, surprising me, but he was suddenly cut off by none other than Zetsu.

**"I think Hidan should have to deal with the bitch first," **his darker half remarked snidely. **"He's the dumbass that pissed her off, after all."**

"Actually," I corrected, "You _all _piss me off. Hidan just does so more often then others."

"THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY I'M GOING ANYWHERE WITH THAT CRAZY BITCH!" He screamed, holding a hand over his balls. It seems Hidan _did _learn something from his last rape attempt on me. He was trainable!

"Why should he get to spend the first hour with her?" Deidara huffed indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest. We all turned to look at him strangely.

"What?" He asked, glaring back at us. "Whatever, un. Hidan can have her." And then he stalked towards Spencer's, grabbing Sasori's arm and dragging the ginger with him on his way there.

"Jeez," I muttered. "It must be his time of the month."

"Where the fuck did everyone go?" Hidan asked, reminding me of his presence. I snapped out of my Deidara-induced trance to see what his problem was. Turns out, Deidara wasn't the only one who ditched. Me and Hidan were the only ones left standing in front of the mall entrance.

I hummed a happy tune and looked over at my scared little manbitch, "So. What store should we go to first?"

Imagine my shock when he told my, smug smirk in place, "Victoria's fucking Secret."

o0o

O0o0O

o0o

"You know what her secret is?" I asked as Hidan watched me paw through a rack of slutty undies, "She's got herpes."

"Don't most girls?" Hidan asked, still watching me with that same perverted smile. I so wanted to slap him right now.

"No. Most girls have condoms to prevent that." I informed him scathingly.

"Do you have condoms?"

I threw a pair of granny panties at his face. "No! I left them back at the old base!" Okay, that was a lie. I don't have condoms. But maybe that will make him feel a little remorse.

"You can fucking borrow mine any night." Or not.

I turned away indignantly, nose sticking up in the air, pile of underwear in one hand and a couple bras in the other. "I'm going to try these on. Stay there, Grim." I announced, leaving Hidan to wonder about his new nickname.

I hummed as I slipped on the matching striped bra and briefs set, thinking about how odd it was that I was actually trying on something Hidan picked out. Sure, he was a jerk and a psychotic masochist, but he had great taste in undergarments.

So far, I had a couple shirts and some comfy guy sweats from the last two stores we visited, but that wasn't enough to fill my entire wardrobe. The guys had given me the biggest bedroom in Pein's house, probably because I'm the only girl besides Konan, who sleeps in Pein's room for easy access. The only real problem with the house-which used to be a free clinic before Leader renovated it-was that there was no bathroom in my new room. I had to share one with _them._

I slipped on the barely-there undies and admired myself in the mirror. I looked pretty damn good, if I did say so myself. If only I had someone to model for-

"Yo, bitch, you done yet?"

Of course Hidan chooses _that _exact moment to pop his head through the dressing room curtain.

F. M. L.

"Fuck off, you pervert!" I hissed, keeping my voice low as to not attract any salespeople. How embarrassing would that be? _Um, yeah. My psychotic kidnapper got bored and decided to take a peek. No, you don't have to call mall security. _

Hidan just kind of grinned like a creep and looked me up and down, drinking in my appearance. Huh, better not get used to seeing me like this, pervert.

"I knew that would look fucking hot on you."

"Get OUT!"

Instead of heading my warning like a smart psychotic criminal, Hidan just waltz on inside the dressing room and locked the door behind him. WTF. I gave him a look that said, quite simply, 'get da fuck outta mah space be4 I beat cho ass.'

Hidan grinned, flashing his pearly whites. He looked me up and down before taking a step forward, to which I matched by taking a step back. Hidan kept taking steps forward, matching my receding steps. We carried on like this until my back hit the wall, his hand's slamming down to rest on either side of my head.

_Shit._

"So Sakura," Hidan drawled, smirk in place. "Remember the last time I had you pressed against a wall like shit on a stick?"

I grinned, surprising him. "Yeah. Didn't I nail you in the balls that time, too?"

Before I had the chance to do what I threatened, Hidan had our hips pressed together so tight I could barely move my knee, which was now trapped between his thighs. His breath was hot against the side of my neck, one hand pressing insistently the inside of my leg.

I pushed hard on his chest, trying to gain some distance between us. "Hidan," I muttered, "Seriously. Get _off._"

He snickered and moved his other hand so it was playing with the straps of my panties. "Why the fuck should I?"

I let my voice go low and breathy, leaning forward to catch his ear. "Because if you don't...this will happen."

And then I screamed. Loud.

o0o

O0o0O

o0o

"So what exactly happened to Hidan?" Sasori asked, still a little confused as to why he was now my new shopping buddy.

I sighed, tired of his stupidity. "I've explained this six times already, Sasori. Don't you get it yet?"

"No."

Well. I can't argue with that tone.

"He tried to sacrifice the cashier and the mall cops took him away." I said for what felt like the billionth time.

Sasori's eyebrow creased. "Where did they take him?"

I shrugged. "Jail? Nuthouse? Rehab? Tokyo? Karakura Town? High school? Wonderland? How the hell am I supposed to know that? They could've taken him anywhere!"

"But you weren't supposed to just let him get captured..." Sasori trailed off. He hefted my three bags higher up his shoulders.

"Yeah," I agreed, slowly. "But I don't like him. Oh, lookie! Bath and Body Works!"

And so I unceremoniously dragged Sasori towards the smelly lotion shop, using him as a dummy to test all the different scents on.

"Raspberry or Bubble Gum?" I asked, holding up the two bottles.

Sasori glowered at me.

"Both!" I decided, skipping to the register. My manbitch trailed behind.

o0o

O0o0O

o0o

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!

"Sakura, WTF does this have to do with you and a drunk Deidara ending up in a closet together?"

All in due time, reader.

All in due time.

o0o

O0o0O

o0o

**"How the fuck do you use this shit?"**

"You push the button. Just like this, see, Zetsu?"

**"I see. I don't need you to point it out to me like I'm fucking Hidan."**

"WHOSE FUCKING HIDAN?"

"Nobody. Go take your medicine, Itachi."

"TOBI DOES NOT LIKE THE PEN SHOP!"

"Shove a ballpoint up in. SOME people are trying to spy on Sasori and Sakura."

"Something is wrong with you, Deidara. You're obsessed with Sakura."

"No I'm not, un. Oh my God!"

"WHAT?"

"They're in Bath and Body Works! HOW COULD SHE SHOP WITH HIM _THERE, _OF ALL PLACES?"

"Deidara...get the fuck over it."

"SHE'S TRYING OUT THE NEW BUBBLE GUM TWIST BODY LOTION!"

"Jashin help me."

o0o

O0o0O

o0o

**THIS STORY NEEDS MORE SASOSAKU.**

**Yeah. I'mma get working on that. **

**Until then, leave a review and let me know what you think ;)**

**CONTEST TIME!**

**What I really need right now are quotes. **

**You know, something like "So you can suck it, ho."**

**Only more creative. **

**IT HAS TO BE ORIGINAL! Meaning; you thought of it.**

**Leave me a quote and maybe, if I like it, it will be in the next chapter :)**

**I'll mention and thanks all quote givers!**

**And whoever leaves the best quote will have a chapter dedicated to them :)**

**That's right. If you're quote wins, YOU get to pick the Akatsuki couple and plot (if you want) of the Wits & Woes chapter dedicated to you. Any questions? PM me.**

**May the best quoter win. **

Examples of quotes:

"I'm fucking naked."

"Did you touch my tra-la-la?"

"SMD, ho."

"Tobi wonders how Sakura-chan can bend like that without breaking."

"Love me, you fat sack of lard."

"Puke does not defy gravity."

**USE YOUR IMAGINATION ;D**


	12. Woody the Woodpecker

(Drum roll plz)

People whose quotes shall appear in this chapter:

BlackHeartofIce

Yume-chan

Eyes Wide in the Dark

Green-Eyes-Love

SaRaInLove

LadyVicChan

Fire-In-A-Tiger-Lily

ylfrettub

(Let me know if I used your quote but missed you. I'll give you credit next chapter :)

-o-

_Woody the Woodpecker_

-o-

"Does this dress make my butt look fat?"

"No."

I looked at Sasori, who looked at me clad only in the slutty dress I found on the sale rack. We were currently in the Wet Seal dressing room, with my ginger manbitch lounging on the large sofa outside the changing stalls.

"Sorry, but I'm not Rihanna. I don't love the way you lie."

Sasori smirked lazily, reminding me vaguely of Shikamaru. "But you love me."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night." I mumbled, slipping the slutwear off me as I waltzed back into the changing room. Don't give me that look. It's not like Sasori is _attracted _to things. He's too creepy.

-o-

"Deidara."

"What, un?"

"It's not nice to stalk people."

"Shuddup, un."

-o-

"Do you ever get the feeling someone is watching you?" I asked Sasori, who was helping me pick through a rack of casual dresses. He shrugged, as if to say 'stay off my case, bitch.'

"Sasori, try using words." I urged, nudging him with my foot.

Sasori rolled his eyes at me. "Since when do you understand English?"

"He speaks! And nobody has their hand shoved up your ass, either!"

"I'm not a puppet!"

I put my hands up in a halting gesture. "Okay, okay. You're not. Calm down."

His eye twitched. "I am calm."

"No, you're not. Go eat some chocolate, it has endorphins that make people happy." I said smartly, running a silk gown between my hands. It was hot pink and had no back. This is not a dress. This is the DEVIL'S idea of slutty. THE DEVIL'S.

And the Devil wears Prada, bitch.

"Can we go to a different store now?"

"No. Stop whining."

"But I hate it in here. They play loud music and the cashier keeps looking at me like I'm a piece of meat."

"OH HELL NO! I'm the only one allowed to look at you that way! Let's go." I grabbed Sasori's hand and dragged him out of the shop with me, making sure to glare at the cashier chick on my way out.

I pulled him down the hall and into a sophistcated-looking store.

Sasori glared at me as I went to ask an employee about an outfit on display.

"I'm hungry."

"Tough titties."

"Get me food."

"Suck my dick until you find a bone in it."

"...you have a dick?"

"A bigger one then you."

I turned around to stick my tongue out at him just as the employee trotted off on her six-inch heels. Normally, I would just expect Sasori to roll his eyes at me. But that's the complete opposite of what he did.

He grabbed my chin and pressed it until my mouth opened, leaving enough room for him to slip _his _tongue in.

-o-

"Oh, Deidara~" Itachi whispered, leaning down to breath in the sleeping blonde's ear. All that stalking had finally tired Deidara out.

"What, un..." He muttered sleepily, rolling over on the hard mall bench.

Itachi chuckled darkly. This was almost _too_ easy.

Then again, it _was _Deidara.

"Did it hurt?" He hissed, going all Alejandro.

"When I fell from Heaven?" Deidara guessed, smiling sloppily.

"No..."

"Un?"

"Did it hurt...WHEN I KNOCKED YOU BACK TO LAST EASTER?"

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, BITCH!"

Kisame watched the pathetic display of the people he associated himself with, a sweatdrop forming on the side of his head.

"Hey guys," He called, questioning if the term 'guys' was correct for Deidara and Itachi. They were so pretty..."There's a bar here!"

The pretty boys both looked up with sparkly eyes. "REALLY?"

-o-

"Listen bitch, there are three types of people in this fanfiction; ones who can count, and ones who can't. Guess which category you're in?"

Sasori raised a brow at my antics. "That was random."

"Well, some guy you thought you killed doesn't just come up and make-out with you everyday."

"True. I can't say that's ever happened to me."

And then he shut me up again. With his lips. His soft, warm, cinnamon-flavored lips...

SNAP OUT OF IT, YOU SLUT!

So I'm kind of a slut. AT LEAST I CAN ADMIT IT. Besides, Sasori was a REALLY good kisser. Like, mega good. We've been standing in the middle of this store making-out for the past twenty minutes, and the only thing I noticed was the way his tongue moved over mine. I'm sure people are staring, but who cares about those jealous motherfuckers?

Oh, damn. Is that his tongue...?

I think I just melted.

-o-

Deidara Iwa was NOT a happy camper.

And do you know what happens when an S-Class criminal such has Deidara is not happy?

Shit gets blown up. Plain and simple.

"Little pink haired whore, think she can seduce me into bed and then go and make out with my best friend-"

"Da fuck are you mumbling about?" Hidan asked, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back in the massage chair that was for display only. The employee that had tried to stop his had been sacrificed long ago, though.

"Nothing!" Deidara snapped. He was pacing back and force in front of a large plasma screen, thinking of devious ways to get back at Sakura. So far, he had A. Blow her up. And B. Blow Sasori AND her up.

But neither seemed evil enough for a criminal mastermind such as himself. He was a master in the art of the mindfuck...HOW COULD HE NOT THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER?

"I think you should just go have a fucking drink." Hidan declared, taking another swing of his sake. There was a bar on the other end of the store, where the rest of the Akatsuki was currently getting drunk off their asses like the bad mothafuckas they were.

Deidara, however, was a sissy.

"You know what," He said, stopping his pacing for a moment. Behind him, a picture of a bonfire burned bright on the TV screen. "I think I will have a drink."

And that is how Deidara came to be slurring his words after just two Bud Lights.

...told ya he was a sissy.

-o-

"Hey, Sasori?" Sakura asked as she was dragged down yet another hallway. When she got no response, she assumed he was listening. "Where are we going?" _More like; where are you taking me?_ She thought.

"I told you already; somewhere more private." He replied tonelessly. They passed a sign that said, written in big red letters; THIS PART OF MALL CLOSED.

"Sasori, I think this part of the mall is closed."

"That's what makes it more private."

Obviously, she was not getting through to him. Sakura had a bad feeling that their little make-out escapade hadn't been the best idea. When they had both come up for air, Sasori had abruptly dragged her out of the store. And she wasn't even done shopping.

"Here." Sasori smirked, finally coming to a halt. They were in the middle of a darkened hallway, locked up stores on either side of them. Sasori plopped down on a nearby bench, motioning for Sakura to do the same. She did, somewhat hesitantly.

"...So..."

"So what?"

"What are we gonna do now?"

Sasori blinked at her. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Um-"

"HAHA, MOTHERFUCKERS! NOBODY CAN DEFEAT THE AWESOMESAUCE THAT IS DEIDARA OF THE AKATSUKI!"

WTF is wrong with these people? Why can't they just use the fucking door?

"Was bombing the ceiling and swinging down on a rope really necessary, Deidara?" Sasori asked calmly, even though he was shaking underneath the bench. Deidara's little outburst shocked him.

I, however, was just chilling there, all cool-expressioned and badass. Oh yeah.

At least I was, until Deidara ran up and scooped me into his arms. He held me bridal style, close enough that I could see the little sparks of madness in his eyes.

"Have you been drinking?" I asked, wondering why they hadn't saved any for me.

"Indeed we have," A low, familiar voice said from behind Deidara. I tried to crane my head up to see if it was who I thought it was, but the blonde bimbo shifted so his shoulder was in my way. "Now, we'll be taking this, if you don't mind."

His words were directed at Sasori, which pissed me off because, hello, I'M RIGHT HERE. Sasori, however, just cocked an eyebrow and rolled his eyes. "You idiots."

And then he shock chakra strings at the both of those motherfuckers. To my surprise, however, both dodged and Dediara grabbed hold of the rope he had swung into the hallway with. Sunlight poured in from the gash he had blown in the ceiling.

I heard a low chuckle, and then someone else grabbed onto the rope. "Peace out, bitch."

And then the rope was tugged up and I was flying through the air and out of the mall, landing on a big clay bird that could only belong to Deidara.

I closed my eyes, trying to imagine that I wasn't thousands of feet in the air when I heard it. That unmidstakably sexy voice that set my teeth on edge.

"Hello, Sakura."

Alejandro has arrived.

-o-

**:O KIDNAPPED!**

**OH NOES, WHAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO POOR SAKURA-CHAN?**

**Hehe...next chapter is gonna be fun to write :)**

**Thank you for all the wonderful quotes! Don't be mad if yours wasn't in this chapter, because I'm going to use them in other chapters too. I'm just waiting for the right time to put them in. I LOVED ALL YOUR QUOTES, THEY WERE HILARIOUS! **

**But I do need to pick a winner, and though their quote wasn't in this chapter, I guarantee it will be in the next one ;) I've got the perfect spot for it.**

***Drum roll please***

**And the winner of the quote contest is~**

Green-Eyes-Love& her quote "It's an S&M thing, Sakura. You just wouldn't understand."

So Greeny, I'll be in touch. Expect a PM from me soon :)

Thank you to everyone who participated!

This won't be my last contest for this story, I assure you.

I'll post the names of the people whose quotes I used for each chapter :)

As always, Read & Review.


	13. LIKE A BOSS

_Like a Boss_

* * *

_Foolproof Ways to Annoy People_

_1.__Whenever someone asks you a question, say, "What?" As soon as they start to talk again, cut them off with another, "What?" _

_2. Anytime someone says something, respond, "Yeah, so's your mom." _

_3. Tell your friend's crush that she wants to marry him. _

_4. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol._

_5. Wear a lot of cologne._

I stared down at the list in my hands, cackling like a crazy bitch. "OHOHOHOHO. This is pure genius Tobi!"

Beside me on the couch sat Tobi, who was grinning from ear to ear. "So Sakura the Merciless is proud of Tobi?"

"Oh yes," I said, smiling like the Chesire Cat, "Sakura the Merciless is _very_ proud of Tobi. Now who shall we start the list off with?"

"Oooooh, Tobi knows!"

"Do tell."

* * *

As you all remember, last night at the mall I had been captured by Alejandro. Here's how that went:

_"Hehehehehe, you've been captured by me, the beautiful Itachi!"_

_"You BASTARD! I'll never let you get away with this!"_

_"Don't worry, SASORI MAN has arrived to help!"_

_"...you couldn't think of a better superhero name then Sasori Man?"_

_"Actually, it's SASORI MAN."_

_"WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING DEIDARA?"_

_"God, am I sexy."_

_"Shut up, Itachi. Sasori, jest rescue me and get this over with."_

_"Okay."_

_"And why are you wearing a gogo girl outfit?"_

_"It's an S&M thing, Sakura. You wouldn't understand."_

And then he took me back to the base.

* * *

"Itachi-san!" Tobi cried, bouncing up to his Uchiha brotha. The two fist pumped. I nearly jumped up from behind my plant in shock.

"What?" Itachi asked, regaining his cool demeaner.

Tobi grinned. "What?"

"I said 'what's up-"

"What?"

"Are you being stupid?"

"What?"

"Stop that!"

"What?"

"I will castrate you."

"What?"

"Your mother is a whore."

"What?"

I decided to join in on this. Jumping up and stepping in front of Itachi, I cried "WHAT?"

"I hate you two."

"What?"

"WHAT?"

"GO DIE IN A WHOLE."

"What?"

"WHAT?"

"I'm leaving."

"What?"

"WHAT?"

"Good-bye."

"What?"

"WHAT?"

As Itachi wanered off, I cried "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, ALEJANDRO!" at his back.

"So," I turned around and grinned at Tobi, "whose our next victim?"

* * *

Itachi smelled like Vanilla.

Originally, me and Tobi had split up to do number two to different Akatsuki members. Him to Zetsu, and me to Itachi. When I first spotted Itachi lounging in the living room (LIKE A BOSS) I had planned on spraying everything in his midist. But he had retaliated by ignoring me.

Until I, like a new puppy, had innocently followed him to his room, Lysol in hand, ready to spray everything I woul feist my eyes upon.

...and then Itachi slammed the door and pinned me to his bed.

_**You should've stopped with the "WHAT?" incident.**_

_I was unsatisfied with that small amount of payback._

_**Whatever. Don't blame me when he gives it to you in the ass.**_

_..._

Itachi, hovering above me, was smirking like the Chesire Cat.

"Release me, minion." I demanded.

He chuckled. "After this morning? I think not."

"I think so. RE. LEASE."

"On one condition." Itachi's smirk turned into a grin. He stared me down with half lidded eyes.

I wiggled in his arms. "What?"

"Shut up." And then Itachi Uchiha leaned down and closed the distance between us.

"Get offa me!" I pushed him back, still relishing the taste of vanilla on my lips. Itachi retreated to kissing my neck, while I struggled to free myself from beneath him.

Itachi stilled, bringing his head back up and looking at me with those black tunnels he had for eyes. "You're a strange girl, Sakura Haruno."

"No, _really_?" I asked with biting sarcasm. Itachi was not amused.

"Yes, _really. _Since the moment you dropped into Akatsuki base, I knew there was something special about you."

"I wasn't _dropped_; I was kidnapped."

"Sakura," Itachi started, all serious and stuff, "I think I'm in l-"

"ZETSU WANTS TO KILL TOBI, SAKURA MERCILESS-SAMA AND-_WHY IS TOBI'S BROMANCE LOVER ITACHI ON TOP OF SAKURA-SAMA?_"

Oh, Tobi. You always have to burst through the door at the worst moments.

Guess this means we won't be finishing the list.

* * *

At the dinner table that night, Tobi was cold and distance. He was all 'Sakura has betrayed me, therefore I cannot love her no more' and I was left to sit next to Deidara and weep into my rice and chicken meal.

"What's wrong with you, un."

"Bit are her period?"

"Shut up!" I shouted at Deidara and Hidan, wiping a tear away with my chopsticks. "I-I'm just upset."

"Why, un?"

"TOBI RIPPED OUT MY HEART!"

"SAKURA THE MERCILESS RIPPED OUT TOBI'S HEART FIRST!"

Tobi stood up from his seat at the table and stomped out of the room. I jumped up and followed him out.

"OOOOOH TOBU+I! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Tobi turned around, leaving me to, untimately, run into his chest. He wraped his arms around me.

"It's okay. Tobi forgives you."

WOAH. Mood swing much? But, I'm not about to complain. I just shut my mouth and hugged Tobi back.

* * *

It was long after dinner at about 2 a.m. when Itachi found me again. The bitch must've been waiting up for me, not doubt.

"What?" I snapped, pulling my blanket higher over my chest and clutching it like a teddy bear.

"I love you."

"PSYCHO S-CLASS CRIMINAL SAY _WHAT?_"

"I said can I borrow your Britney Spears CD." Itachi stood there awkwardly. I was sure he had said he loved me.

"But didn't you just say you loved me...?"

"No. I love Britney Spears." He said somewhat awkwardly. I frowned, but decided to accept his excuse. After all, Itachi Uchiha couldn't be in love with me. He's an S-Class criminal in the Akatsuki.

"No. You can't borrow my CD." I stuck my tongue out at him.

"...bitch."

* * *

"Teme? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sauske grimaced, clutching his head. His Itachi senses were tingling. They must be getting close to the Akatsuki base. "Let's get going again."

"Teme?"

"What Dobe?"

"I love Sakura."

"WHAT?"

"Pass the rice."

"...WTF man."

* * *

_fin._

_YES, I RELIZE I'VE TAKEN FOREVER TO UPDATE._

_FORGIVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ._


	14. Calm yo Tits

-o-

_Calm yo Tits_

-o-

"Yo," I greeted Kisame, who was snuggled up on the couch, wrapped in his Nemo-patterned snuggie.

He barely nodded at me as I plopped down next to him on the sofa (was that mold?), engrossed i nthe magazine open on his lap. I peeked over his shoulder, glancing down at the article he was so fascinated by.

_HOW TO CONFESS TO THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS: 100% SUCCESS RATE_

And then I burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Kisame asked indignantly, crossing his arms ove rhis chest. If he weren't glowering at me so hard, I would've just laughed harder. Instead, I said this:

"Are you stupid? You don't need to read stuff like that when you've got a female in the house!"

"Deidara doesn't have much experience with this stuff..."

"No, fishstick, I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME! Hell, I could teach a class on how to talk to girls..."

And those were the words that began my nightmare.

-o-

-o-o-o-o-

-o-

"Okay, everyone shut the hell up!" I ordered, pushing the glasses I had found in Hidan's laundry basket up my nose. They were hot pink, cat-eyed, and clear. So basically, I looked friggin sexylicious. In front of me were eight desks, each occupying an Akatsuki member. Behind me, a chalkboard with HOW TO GET A GIRL 101 written on it in blue chalk.

My life is complete.

"That's not how teachers are supposed to talk to students, un." Deidara remarked, turning around in his seat so he was facing me.

I snorted. "Nobody asked you. Now shut your trap before I piss in it."

"He might like it." Alejandro snickered. He'd been here all morning. I don't know where Itachi went, but he needed to get his ass back here before I snapped a ruler on his evil (more evil?) alter-ego's back.

"_You _might like it. I might be sick, un." Deidara snapped, blushing profusely. Hehe. Look at me, gettin att technical and using words like 'profusely.' It must be the blouse. And the glasses. And the red business-like skirt. I fell so important.

"Hurry up and start this fuckin class, pink shit."

"Okay," I grinned at Hidan, sending shivers down his spine. He would pay for that later. "Everybody listen up!"

The class simply continued on talking.

Bitches.

How dare they ignore me, Sakura the Merciless?

I COULD CRUSH THEM LIKE MAGGOTS.

"I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE MAGGOTS!"

"No you won't." Itachi pointed out.

"You don't have the balls." Deidara added, not even looking up from the sketch he was drawing on his notebook.

"I have more balls then both of you combined!"

"_Sure_ you do."

"Uh huh."

"Oh, fuck both you hookers."

Deidara and Alejandro grinned sloppily. "Gladly!"

Scowling, I grabbed a piece of chalk and began writing on the board. At least I had everyone's attention now.

_You're at a club, and all of a sudden the girl of your dreams passes by you, lookin' sexylicious in a blouse and red skirt. What's your pick up line? _I wrote, grinning at my genius.

"Okay, write down what you'd say and then oyu can come up, one-by-one, and try it on me." I glared at them all over the rim of my fake pink classes. "And no funny-business, got it?" I let my gaze linger on Alejandro, who gave me a gay little wave and wink.

He was _so _getting an F for the day.

"Tobi has a question!"

"No he doesn't. GET TO WORK!"

And so they did.

-o-

-o-o-o-o-

-o-

First up was Itachi/Alejandro. I glared at him as he stepped up to my desk, slipped on a pair of dark-tinted sunglasses, and smirked at me.

"Can I read your T-shirt in brail?" He asked, reaching out a hand towards my chest.

And that's how Itachi Uchiha found himself with a black eye, compliments of one pissed-off Sakura Haruno.

"NEXT!"

-o-

-o-o-o-o-

-o-

Sasori stared at me coolly.

"Do I really have to do this?"

[insert cheesy grin here]

"YOSH!"

Sasori sighed. "Are those lumberjack pants you're wearing? 'Cuz they're giving me a wood." He said flatly.

Silence.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-o-

"WHO SHALL BE SAKURA'S NEXT VICTIM?"

"I will." Zetsu said, santering up to my my desk and leaning on it casually.

"Zetsu? Huh, this is a surprise. We rarely ever hear from you in this fanfiction."

"Indeed."

"Go on then!"

"Can I walk through your bushes and climb your mountains?"

"..."

"..."

"NEXT."

-o-

Dediara hopped up to me, grin on his face.

I raised an eyebrow.

"I have an owie on my hand, will you kiss it better?"

"No. JUST. NO."

-o-

"You look like a refreshing glass of water, and I'm the thirstiest guy on Earth."

"Way too cheesy, Kisame. NEXT!"

-o-

"TOBI LOVES YOU AND WANTS TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!"

"...Tobi, that's not gonna go over well with some random chick you meet at a bar or wherever."

-o-

"Fuck me, you bitch."

"Fuck yourself, asshole!"

"Yeah, well-"

"HIDAN IS PISSING ME OFF! NEXT!"

-o-

"Do you like tentacles? Because I drugged your drink."

"...Oh my _God_, Kakuzu."

"What? I thought it was a fine pick up line."

"It is. But, like, what if she doesn't _have _a drink?"

"She? Why does it have to be a girl?"

-o-

"YOU GUYS ALL SUCK!" I shouted, fed up with their games. If none of them would take this class seriously, then I wasn't going to teach it. "YOU'LL NEVER GET A GIRL! I. AM. DONE."

And I stomped out of the room like the awesome bitch I am.

-o-

"Do you think she's coming back, un?"

"God, I fuckin' hope not. Bitch was getting on my nerves."

"Shut up, Hidan. I think we angered her."

"Kakuzu is right, un. Someone should go apologize."

The Akatsuki stood in a circle for a moment, contemplating.

"NAW!" They all shouted, laughing. Sakura would be _fine. _She was a big girl, after all.

What they didn't know was that Sakura was already out the door, flanked on either side by her old teammates Sasuke and Naruto, Kakashi following swiftly behind.

-o-

"Wow, I didn't expect you guys to actually show up." Sakura said, surprised but thankful to her saviors. Sakura had to admit that she would miss the Akatsuki, but not nearly as much as she missed Konoha.

Good riddance Akatsuki, hellooooo homeland!

"Hn."

"I'm so glad you're safe, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura grinned. Oh, how she had missed her team.

But an odd feeling was nawing at her heart, something akin to regret.

Sakura shook it off, choosing instead to push Sasuke off of the tree he was scouting from, SINCE SHE WAS AWESOME LIKE THAT.

-o-

Next chapter is the last :(

So if there's anything you'd like to say, or any quotes you'd love to see in the last chapter, let me know. I can't believe it's almost time for this story to come to a close!

And also, give me suggestions on how it should end and who Sakura should end up with :P

HER FUTURE LAYS IN YOUR HANDS.

R

E

V

I

E

W

!


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